


As Long As It's Illegal, Then We'll Be Happy Beagles!

by Bijouled



Category: Disney - Fandom, DuckTales, The Beagle Boys - Fandom
Genre: Gen, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-09-07 16:59:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8808721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bijouled/pseuds/Bijouled
Summary: A collection of several shorts featuring each of the Beagle Boys from DuckTales. Next story coming soon!





	1. Naughty or Nice?

**Author's Note:**

> The first story in this collection is a Christmas story. I know it isn’t a very strong start to my fic, but I wanted to write something fitting for the time of the year, and the idea of a Beagle family Christmas is just too tempting.
> 
> Anyway, some stories will be shorter, some longer, some more serious and some just plain stupid. It really depends. My main goal is make sure they all get some love.  
> I’ll update with new chapters periodically.  
> Enjoy and Happy Holidays~!

            The scent of pine needles and gingerbread wafted through the Beagle hideout, filling the home with the atmosphere of Christmas. In the kitchen, Ma Beagle was finishing up the cookies she’d been working on. Her gray hair was frazzled and in a tight bun and her face was pinched in concentration.

            “Here comes the tree!” shouted a deep voice from the other room.

            Bankjob and Bouncer, the biggest and brawniest of the Beagle Boys, stomped into the living room covered in snow and a little out of breath, hauling a scrawny little evergreen behind them. Usually, the brothers considered each other rivals and weren’t on the best of terms; but today a lighthearted snowball fight had quickly dissolved any lingering animosity between the two.

            The other Beagle brothers, sipping cocoa by a crackling fire, sprung up with excitement as they entered. The radio was softly playing holiday music in the corner.

            “Wow, a real Christmas tree!” Babyface said, scurrying to get a closer look, as it was set next to a table with cookies and milk. Babyface was the youngest out of all the Beagle Boys, a little guy with big eyes, rosy cheeks, and a propeller beanie hat he wore everywhere.

            “And one we don’ts have to look at through prison bars!” added Burger, wiping the chocolate mustache off of his mouth. Burger was heavyset, to say the least. It was hard to really tell how many chins he really had, and he always seemed to be nibbling on something. In fact, his buckteeth suspiciously matched perfectly with the CHOMP! taken out of his prison placard.

            “Oh c’mon, that’s not a tree, that’s just a weed wishin’ it was,” BigTime complained, looking it up and down.

            Oh, of course. BigTime always had something critical to say, about everything. The short little Beagle was probably the smartest of the lot, true, but he didn’t win any friends with his prickly personality.

            Bankjob’s smile faltered. “You wanna go out in the cold and haul one through the snow yerself, be my guest.”

            “It’ll do fine, boys,” Ma said, entering the room with a smile and her hands full of a tray of gingerbread cookies. The boys all dropped everything and grabbed greedy handfuls.

            “Aw, you’re da best, Ma!” Baggy gushed with his mouth full.

            BigTime grimaced. Typical Baggy- the idiot of the family. (And that was sayin’ something!) Baggy always had a blank stare and dopey grin plastered on his face, walking around with his shoulders hunched and dressed in clothes five sizes too big for him.

            “Yeah, we never gets any special treatment in the slammer, just ‘cause it’s Christmas,” Bugle, the beatnik, agreed. He wore dark shades in front of his conventional Beagle mask, a beret, and unlike his brothers, he was sipping dark coffee instead of hot chocolate.

            “They never suspected those File Fruitcakes!” Bouncer chuckled. “I bet now they’s still scratchin’ their heads!” He grinned, showing off his trademark missing tooth.

            “And that’s why I busted all of you boys out!” Ma said, smiling. “The family hadn’t been together like this in years…And of course, you know Santa doesn’t visit people in prison.” She gave them a playful wink.

            “So, uh, Santa’s really comin, then, Ma?!” Baggy asked excitedly, holding up a raggedy looking stocking with his name written on it: B A GE. Taking one last proud look at it, he hung it up beside the others on the fireplace mantle.

            BigTime, obviously not feeling the holiday cheer, just rolled his eyes. “Oh, boy. You can’t still believe in that stuff.”

            His brothers all turned on him with accusing stares.

            Bugle made an annoyed face- or from what BigTime could see of his face, anyway. “Then where do presents come from, man?” He then grinned and settled back into the couch, crossing his arms as if he’d made some kind of point.

            “Not in front of the kids,” snarked BigTime.

            “Oh yeah? If he ain’t real, then who’s lap was I sittin’ in at the Duckburg Mall that one time?” Babyface threw out.

            “Yeah! And who eats da milk and cookies?!” Burger adds, nodding vigorously.

            “I wrote him a letter!” Baggy insisted, looking sincerely upset. “And he got it. He’s comin’ and he’s real!”

            BigTime sighed. “Baggy, you think the Tooth Fairy is real.”

            “Well, uh, she IS! She gave me a bag of teeth!” Poor Baggy seemed to be getting more frustrated with every passing second.

            “Lay off him, BigTime,” Bouncer said. He and Baggy had always been close friends, and defending him from BigTime’s taunting was part of the job.

            “Huh. So looks like you really don’t believe, then?” Ma asked from the sidelines, her arms crossed and smiling.

            “Oh, c’mon, Ma, not you too!” BigTime groaned.

            Bankjob patted Baggy on the back comfortingly. “Forget him, guys. He just plain doesn’t believe in fun.”

            “Alright, enough, boys,” Ma interjected, a devious little smirk on her face. “Now why don’t we decorate our Christmas tree? We don’t have any shiny, fancy ornaments…but I’ve got something just as good.” She disappeared into the kitchen for a moment.

            Bugle grinned and turned up the radio, and a cheery, static-filled carol immediately began lifting everyone’s spirits. Ma returned, holding a long red thread embedded with glittery kernels of popcorn. It almost looked like a real decoration! Almost.

            “Wow, Ma, where’d ya get that?” asked Baggy in admiration. “It’s pretty!”

            “Oh, this old thing? I made it myself,” tittered Ma, beaming and basking in her sons’ praise. “You know how I like to keep to my crafts!”

            She tossed one end to Burger and the other to Bouncer. “Now just drape it around the tree, boys.”

            Burger licked his lips hungrily, but started looping the garland around the tree with his brother.

            “It looks great, but ain’t somethin’ missing?” Bankjob mused as the two finished.

            There was a momentary pause as all the Beagles looked at their work and thought. Even Ma wasn’t quite sure…her past Christmases weren’t exactly conventional.

            “Oh, I know, I know!” Baggy suddenly said, looking up. “Yer s’posed to put something pretty on top of the tree!”

            “Like what?” asked Babyface.

            “Um…the moon, I think. The sun? Maybe?” Baggy scratched at his face uncertainly.

            BigTime, who’d been quietly looking on all this time, sighed. “It’s a star, genius. And we ain’t got nothin’ like that.”

            “Yeah, well, or, or, an angle!” Baggy retorted. His brothers looked confused.

            “What’s an angle?” Burger asked, sneaking one piece of popcorn into his mouth and making a sour face.

            “I think he means an angel,” Bankjob corrected. “You know, like…that thing… with the wings.”

            “Yeah, well, that’s something only rich folks like McDuck can afford,” BigTime said bitterly. “Meanwhile we can hardly scrape by to get our hands on toilet paper.”

            Baggy’s glum countenance brightened. Without a word, he hurried to the bathroom and snatched the last few layers of paper off of the toilet paper roll. He ran back, grabbing a felt tip marker and grinning.

            “Well, we can make one!”

            BigTime facepalmed.

            “Huh, artsy. I like it,” Bugle approved.

            “But apart from wings, we don’t even know what an angle- uh, angel, should look like!” Bouncer shrugged his massive shoulders.

            “Ah, that don’t matter,” Baggy said, scrawling a hideous smiling face onto the roll. “Ours is gonna be better anyway!”

            Bankjob handed over some tissue paper, and Bugle helped Baggy sloppily glue it to the back.

            “Gee, don’t that look perfect!” Babyface admired, looking delighted.

            “Wait, wait!” Baggy took back the figure and added one last detail to it: a black bandit mask around its eyes.

            Bankjob placed it gingerly on the top of the tree where it could grimace at all of them. All the brothers- apart from the obvious- looked thrilled by their work.

            “So boys, you ready for a good night’s sleep in your own beds?” Ma offered.

            “I can’t, I’m staying up to see Santa!” Baggy declared, turning around and beaming at her.

            “I’ll stay up with ya!” Bouncer grinned, playfully punching his brother on the arm.

            “Oooh, me too!” Babyface joined in.

            “Me three…uh, four,” said Burger. “Just in case he doesn’t want all ‘dem cookies!”

            “We’re all stayin’ up!” Bankjob laughed. “So we can personally ask ‘im why we never got those presents we wanted!” The boys cheered.

            “Boys!” barked Ma. The group fell silent under her glare, but then her expression softened. “Well, I suppose now you’re all old enough to do what you want.” She smiled. “So have a good night.” And with that, she headed off for her bedroom for some well-earned rest.

            BigTime gave the rest of his brothers a withering look. “You’re all nuts,” he sneered, before stomping off down the hall after her, muttering to himself.

            “Aw! We don’t need that spoilsport,” said Bankjob. He and BigTime were the two oldest brothers, but you wouldn’t know it by the way they behaved sometimes. Honestly, Bankjob wasn’t so sure in _what_ he believed, but he wasn’t going to let that ruin everyone’s time.  

            “So when is Santa gonna get here?” Babyface asked eagerly, turning to Baggy, the now assumed Know-It-All on Christmas.

            “Deh…well…” He glanced at the clock: eight thirty. “I think ‘bout midnight! And I’m stayin’ up no matter what!” Baggy said, his smile stretching across his whole face.

            And so the Beagles sat by the fire, waiting for the hours to pass.

            “So how does he go ‘round the whole world in one night?” asked Babyface some time later, lying with his face in his hands beside the hearth.

            “Ah, you know, his sleigh is equipped with like, hyper drive.” Bankjob tried to explain awkwardly, stretching out on the couch.

            “And his Rain Deer can fly!” Baggy added, sitting anxiously on the armrest. “You know, nothing flies faster than a Rain Deer. That’s the reason it rains.”

            “What _I_ really wanna know,” Bugle said, bopping his head to the radio’s music, “Is how Ol’ Saint Nick knows where we’re spendin’ the night? I mean, if the cops had that kind of technology…” He shivered a bit.

            “Well, ain’t it true that he’s _always_ watchin’ us?” Bouncer offered, smiling a little nervously. That seemed to scare him a little, and he laughed it off. “’Dat can’t be right. Heheh.”

            “Well, he sees you when you’re sleeping,” Bankjob teased. “Wouldn't be in a song if it weren’t true!”

            Bouncer blanched.

            “Oh, don’t worry, you guys,” Baggy assured them. “I bet right now he’s on his way, comin’ to deliver our presents!”

 

            And so hours went by. The fire died out and the storm raged on outside. As time passed, the Beagle brothers began to get tired, nodded off, and fell into deep slumbers across the couch and floor.

            When the clock struck midnight, only Baggy was still wide-awake, staring intently at the lifeless chimney. He could hear every click of the second hand on the clock like a drum drilling into his head.

            And yet more time passed.

            Then he heard it.

_THUMP!_

            “It’s him! It’s Santa Claus!” Baggy cried excitedly, jumping up from the floor. “Guys, guys!” He started to shake his brothers awake.

            “Ugh, what’s wrong, Bags?” grunted Bouncer sleepily. Burger just moaned pathetically.

            “This’d better be important!” mumbled Bankjob, his voice still heavy with sleep. He hated waking up unannounced.

            “It’s Santa,” Baggy said, quieting his voice a little in case the big guy was listening. “He’s here!”

            Babyface perked up from his little blanket cocoon and looked around the dark room excitedly. “Gosh! Where is he?”

            “Well, uh, he’s comin’…any minute now.” Baggy said, not liking how all his brothers’ eyes were now boring into him. The air was still for a few moments, nobody speaking a word.

            After five minutes, Bugle just shook his head. “Ain’t nobody comin’, man.”

            “But I heard-“ objected Baggy.

            Bankjob sighed heavily . “Look. It’s late. It’s almost 2 in the mornin’. If he was gonna show up, he woulda shown up by now.”

            “Let’s face it,” Burger whined. “Santa Claus don’t care about us.” It looked like those sugarplums in his head would never reach his belly.

            “ _If_ a Santa Claus even exists,” Babyface was dejected. Maybe BigTime had been right.

            “Guys-“ Baggy tried.

            Bankjob just stood up. “I’m goin’ to bed.”

            “Same,” said Bugle, heading down the hallway in a slump. Burger and Babyface followed, disappointed and disheartened.

            And then it was just Baggy and Bouncer.

            “H-he’s just runnin’ late, that’s all,” Baggy insisted, his smile wavering. “Bouncer...?”

            But his older brother just closed his eyes and shook his head. “Sorry, Bags. Maybe it’s time to give this thing a rest.”

            He saw Baggy’s eyes fill with hurt, and looked away. Grabbing his hat from the couch, he slunk off to the bedroom and didn’t look back.

            Baggy stood in the middle of the dark room, alone, listening to the soft pitter-patter of snow falling outside.

            On the radio, which now was mostly static, a bulletin for the missing Beagle Boys was being issued.

            He scrunched up his fists tight in his sweater, thoughts racing rapidly. Maybe…maybe they were right.

            Baggy sighed. “I hope ya didn’t forget about us, Santa,” he said. “’Cause…we’s been waitin’ for you all year long.” With one last glance at the sparkling tree and the table set with milk and cookies, Baggy finally threw in the towel and turned in.

 

            The morning filled the Beagle Boys’ room with bright, wintery light. The three bunks that the brothers ended up sharing were cramped, springy, and moldy, but still, it was better than sleeping another night on a cot.

            Baggy had had hardly a wink of sleep, and the moment the morning sun showed its face, he was itching to go. Santa Claus or not…it was Christmas! And there was a whole winter wonderland out there to enjoy.

            Doing his best to avoid waking the others, Baggy crept into the kitchen and looked out the window. Wow, there was so much snow!

            “Merry Christmas, Baggy.” said a voice. Ma sat at the table, drinking some coffee and giving him a smile. “So how’d your night go, dear?”

            “Uh, well…” Baggy felt a little embarrassed. “Santa…uh, didn’t come.”

            “Didn’t come? Then what’s that junk I see cloggin’ up your stockings?” Ma asked, her smile widening.

            “Huh?” Baggy perked up and rushed over to the living room. The milk and cookies were gone- and his stocking looked suspiciously bloated. She was right- it was loaded with goodies! Candy canes, saltwater taffy, little plastic jacks, and a little windup toy that looked an awful lot like a familiar mouse.

            Baggy could hardly hold back his excitement! He grabbed some of the candy and rushed back to the bedroom. “Guys, guys!”

            “Not again, Baggy,” groaned Bankjob.

            BigTime tossed to the other side of his bed. “When are you gonna grow up?”

            “But guys, he came, he really came! Look…look, I got candy!” Baggy held up the handfuls of sweets.

            This jolted them awake. Candy…now that was a rare delicacy for anyone of the Beagle Boys!

            Burger was the first one to leap out of bed, frisking his big brother roughly all over. “What about me? Is there any for me?!” Babyface was next, hopping up and down in his face.

            “Well, uh, yeah! Go look in your stocking!” The words were hardly past his lips before he was stampeded by his brothers.

            “Ah, whaddaya know! Looks like he did show up after all!” Bouncer cried, picking up his stocking. He caught Baggy’s eyes as he walked in and looked down, shamefaced. “Uh…I’m sorry, Baggy.”

            Baggy just grinned at him.

            “Oh, I got licorice!” Bankjob said, looking pleased. “Guess Santa really knows his stuff!”

            “He gave me some chocolate bars!” Babyface got to work. Nearby, Burger had already scarfed down most of his marshmallows, and Bugle loudly popped a bubble from his chewing gum.

            BigTime entered the room, looking down at the floor as his brothers enjoyed themselves.

            Well…no way had he expected this. He just couldn’t believe it. Had he really been…wrong?

            Baggy was staring at him, chewing stupidly on some taffy. “Why don’tcha look at what you got, BigTime?”

            BigTime braced himself. He knew how it went; if you don’t believe, you get nothin’. But the stares of his expectant brothers finally compelled him to pull down his stocking all the same, if only to please them.

            But there _was_ something inside it.

            “Peppermints! And, and…” He fished out a miniature, cheap-looking pop gun and sniffed. It’s what he’d always wanted…well, back as a kid when he used to believe.

            “Aww, Merry Christmas, boys!” Ma came into the room, beaming, and hugged every one of her sons.

            “But Ma, what about your present?” Baggy asked in her embrace, now realizing there was nothing left for her.

            Ma chuckled. “Oh, don’t worry about me, dear. I got a pretty great gift myself,” she winked.

            Her boys stared at her blanky. “What?”

            Ma Beagle just laughed and waved her hands. “Ain’t I allowed to have anythin’ to myself now? Pssh. Now off with ya, outside! Go have yourself a Merry Christmas.”

            So the boys dashed off out into the yard, laughing and whooping, high on sugar and the goodwill of the season.

            Ma smiled as she watched them through the frosted window, taking another sip of her coffee. Then she discreetly picked up and dumped a little bag into the garbage can. A little bag full of several lumps of coal.


	2. And A Scrappy New Year!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Beagle Boys celebrate New Years by going through an old photo album.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really rushed, but I wanted to do something for New Years and a family album seemed like the perfect way to introduce other characters that'll show up later. 
> 
> Next one'll be better, enjoy and happy new year!

            It was New Year’s Eve, and it had been a full week since the big blizzard hit, leaving the Beagle household completely snowed in with tensions running high.

            It was around noontime when the lazy Beagles were finally waking up.

            “Ouch!” Something hard kicked BigTime hard in the shin, starting him awake from his warm slumber.

            “BigTime, you always hog the blanket!”

            He peered over and saw Babyface glaring at him, dangling near the edge of the bed with his hands pulling on the other side of the covers.

            Not this again. Having to share a bed with the brat, just ‘cause they were the two smallest guys in the family, was the worst.

            “Yeah, well, I’m older!” BigTime shot back as a pathetic argument, pulling back angrily. Babyface held his corner of the covers tight, scrunching up his nose.

            “Why’re you such a jerk!?”

            “Why’re you such a baby!?”

            “Oh, SHUT UP, the both of ya!” Bankjob groaned loudly, dropping from his upper bank and to the floor with a huge thud. “I swear. I’ve had it up to _here_ with all your messin’ around!” He stomped around the cramped bedroom, muttering and looking for something. “Now where’s my hat?”

            His brothers shrugged- except for Baggy, who was lying on his mattress with a handful of crayons and coloring on a piece of paper.

            Bankjob glowered at him. “I think you’re wearin’ my hat.”

            Baggy looked up. “Uh….but, um, I thought ‘dis one was mine.”

            “No, it’s mine ‘cuz its too big fer you and I have the biggest head!” Bankjob barked.

            Baggy recoiled and offered the hat up to his brother. It was just better to do what he said.

            Down the hall, Bouncer was banging desperately on the bathroom door. “’Ey! Bugle! You drown in there?!”

            Bugle ignored him completely, just humming to himself and scrubbing up in layers of suds. A minute to himself was all he wanted.

            BANG! The door burst open suddenly and Bouncer dashed inside, giving a sigh of relief. Bugle peered over the shower curtain, eyes narrowing. “Seriously, man? Ever heard of personal space?”

            Bouncer just pulled a face and flushed. Bugle yelped and hopped backwards.

            “Oh, ow! Man! That’s _hot_!”

            Meanwhile, Burger Beagle was in the kitchen chugging down a bottle of milk with gusto. His brothers soon joined him there, their tummies rumbling for lunch.

            “’Least there’s some stuff to eat,” BigTime sighed, springing open the fridge.

            Except it was empty.

            All eyes, furious, burned into Burger. He burped and giggled nervously. “I’m sorry! I eat when I’m bored!”

            That did it.

            “Ma!”

            “Maaaaaaa!!!!!”

            "MAAAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!"

 

            From her hideout in the tiny, musty attic, Ma Beagle cringed. Sure, she loved her boys to bits, but they were driving her up the wall. She sat on the floor, looking through the cardboard boxes of memorabilia. She brushed a layer of cobwebs off the next box and uncovered a thick, weathered scrapbook. She smiled. An old photo album!

            In the kitchen, chaos has broken loose. Yelling and insults were flung, fists were flying, brothers pushing, hitting, and pinching.

            Ma walked in, surveying the action with a scowl on her face. “Well, well, well.”

            The boys all stopped dead in their tracks. Oh, shoot! They quickly dropped what they were doing and stood straight and attentively in front of their mother.

            “So this is the way you repay me, after bustin’ you out, bringin’ you into my home, takin’ such good care of you?” Ma berated. The seven boys looked shamefully down at the floor. “I guess it’s just you boys are too good for your dear old mummy?”

            “N-no, it’s not that, Ma,” BigTime protested. “We love it here!”

            “We’re just goin’ a little stir-crazy ‘cuz of the snow!” Bankjob added, nodding fervently. “It’s New Years Eve…and we can’t do any of the things we’d been wantin’ to do!”

            “We looted a whole buncha fireworks, and now we can’t even use ‘em!” Babyface complained.

            “That, and ‘da snow conked out ‘da cable so we can’t watch the ball droppin’ in Ducks Square,” Bouncer muttered, trying hard not to show how disappointed he really was over the matter.

            “I mighta ate the stuffs we’s was savin’ for dinner…” Burger gave her a guilty look. “I’m sorry! You…you’re the best mummy ever!” Way to slather it on too thick.

            Ma wasn’t impressed by their apology, but it was better than nothing.

            “Well, if you really want to show me you care…” Ma Beagle held up the thick album and started walking into the other room.

            “Ooh, whazzat, Ma?” Baggy asked excitedly. The boys followed after her into the living room, curious. “You gonna read us a story?”

            “Better,” Ma said as she settled into her favorite rocker. “I found some old pictures! Now sit down!”

            “Aw, no!” There was a collective groan from everyone as they sat down on the floor. Family photos were the _worst._

            Ma Beagle cracked open the book and held it up so they could all see it.

            “Aw, now here’s your grandfather, Blackheart,” she said fondly, pointing to a black and white photograph of a confident-looking Beagle with a long mustache. He was wearing a captain’s hat and suit, and standing on a dock on the river in front of an extravagant steamboat.

            “This hasta be an old picture,” Bankjob said, looking it over. “Gramps has a big white beard now.”

            “And he sure as heck don’t have a boat like that!”

            “And he’s put on around 200 pounds.”

            Ma snapped the book shut and rolled her eyes. “If you’re done, will ya shut up and let me do the talkin’?”

            The boys hushed and Ma opened the album back up to the next page. The photo was of her, significantly younger and slimmer, laying in a hospital bed with frizzy blonde hair in a bun and smiling weakly at the camera. In her arms, she held a cranky looking little Beagle baby in a dark mask.

            “Uh, who’s that, Ma?” BigTime asked.

            Ma squinted at the picture. “Huh. Not sure. You kids always looked the same to me, could be anyone.”

            “Who’s the daddy?” Burger giggled with a big smile on his face.

            Ma’s face turned murderous and she stomped on his hand. “I thought I told you never to ask that question!!!”

            “Okay, okayyyyy!!!” Burger whined, shaking his bruised hand and slinking back behind his brothers.

            She then pointed out the next picture.

            “Right from the start, Bombshell showed he had a talent for chemistry!” The boys recognized their older brother, Bombshell, as the bulky and serious-looking third grader in the photo. He was standing in front of a lab table with a homemade explosive in his hands. In the background, teachers and students alike were yelling in terror.

            “They had to evacuate the whole school,” Ma said, wiping away a proud tear.

            The next photo had a different little Beagle, around four or five years old. He was running around holding a plastic airplane in his hand, spinning and evading around invisible obstacles. No doubt who this was- it could only be their older brother, Bomber Beagle, the family’s aviator.

            “I always figured Bomber was an airhead,” BigTime commented. “Only a dimwit would wanta be locked up in flying metal coffin.”

            “Yeah, he’s like ol’ Scrooge’s friend!” Bouncer snickered.

            “Don’t you compare your brother to Launchpad McJerk!” Ma snapped, kicking out at him. Now that was an insult taken too far.

            The following page showed a series of pictures, the first of a very short young Beagle playing with a ball, a happy little smile on his face.

            “Aw, BigTime, look how little you were!” Ma gushed.

            “Yeah, well, he ain’t much bigger now!” Bankjob said loudly.

            BigTime’s face burned in embarrassment.

            And then baby Bankjob came in. Although he and BigTime were close in age, he had always been more confident…and bigger. In the two subsequent photos, Bankjob had shoved BigTime to the ground…and then started to walk off with the ball while BigTime sat bawling on the ground.

            “You pushed me!” BigTime exclaimed angrily.

            Bankjob shrugged. “Oh come on. You must’ve been askin’ for it.”

            “I was _three!”_

            “Aww, aren’t you two so sweet?” Ma said.

            The next two photos were of Baggy, slightly freckled and in an oversized, tattered coat, playing in the rain; first, jumping in puddles, and second, holding up a big fat frog up to the camera and grinning widely.

            “Baggy, you always had a way with animals,” Ma noted.

            “Only because he is one,” snickered Bugle. Baggy chuckled along stupidly.

            “I wonder what did happen to all those pets you brought home?” Ma wondered aloud.

            Everyone looked at Burger.

            On the facing page were three pictures that seemed to go together. In the first, Bouncer, perhaps around age 6, was looking at the camera sulkily and pointing at his mask. The next was…just a blur, really. In the last picture, Bouncer was holding his butt and looking all the more miserable.

            “D’eh…what’s d’is?” Bouncer asked uncomfortably. Just looking at the picture was making his rear end flare up in pain.

            “Aw, I remember this!” Ma said fondly. “Huge milestone! Your first time talking back to me. You were sayin’ you didn’t like wearin’ the mask!” She laughed. “I told you you’d learn to love it.”

            “Yeesh…” Present-day Bouncer had the feeling that she’d actually done a lot more than _told_ him, but he didn’t really want to incur her wrath a second time.

            “Oh, now this is cute,” Ma flipped to the next page where a preteen Bugle was wearing cheap shades and a black turtleneck sweater, beboping and rocking an itty-bitty Babyface in a crummy blanket.

            “Aw, look! Seems like Babyface really enjoyed your singing, Bugle!” Ma tittered. “You really knew the way to calm him down.”

            Babyface looked at the picture and then at his sneering brother, disgusted.

            “Oh wait.”

            The next picture showed the bawling blob bashing Bugle on the head with a rattle.

            Ma grunted. “Huh. I guess all of you are pretty worthless.”

            The following picture was of a dorky looking Beagle Boy with huge glasses holding up a huge manuscript.

            “Megabyte published his first novel on quantum physics just when he started third grade!” Ma beamed. “Oh, it’s a shame all _you_ boys are so stupid. ”

            None of the brothers liked Megabyte, so hearing this praise for him was agonizing. Show-off. Peacock! NERD! Yeah he went to college…but so what? It’s not like was any better than a kindy-garden education!

            Right by it was a photo of three young girls- a blonde, redhead, and brunette- wearing a ridiculous amount of messy makeup, tacky plastic jewelery, and oversized heels. Boom-Boom, Bouffant, and Babydoll- their cousins, the Beagle Babes.

            “Ah, my little nieces,” Ma looked at the picture fondly. “Always makin’ me wish I’d had a coupla girls instead of an legion of dumb boys.”

            The brothers vaguely remembered how bad it had been the last time their cousins had visited as children. Fashion Show this, or Lemme Do Your Nails that. They shuddered just at the thought of going through the horrible process of “bedazzling” again.

            The next photos must’ve been taken some time later, because all the boys looked a few years older. Posing together in a team picture, the brothers stood on a field equipped with baseball mitts and bats. BigTime and Bankjob, the oldest, were probably twelve, and Babyface, the youngest, looked to be about five.

            “Do you remember your first big game, boys?” Ma Beagle looked at the picture with a huge smile.

            “Uh…not really.” The answer was unanimous.

            “Well, ya LOST!” Ma snapped, causing them all to jump back a bit. “But…” She smiled. “At least you remembered what was important.”

            “Havin’ fun?” Baggy guessed.

            “CHEATIN’!” Ma exploded. But she cooled off quickly.

            “You all took a shine to the criminal life as kids,” Ma said, turning the page. “But it was when you were teenagers that you really started to make me proud!”

            On the next page were several different pictures of the older Beagle Boys getting into all kinds of trouble. In one, Bouncer, coming into his muscled physique, was kneeling down by a car on the corner, deflating the tires one by one and looking over his shoulder. In another, Baggy, looking very awkward and gangly, was leafing through a naughty magazine, completely unaware. Next to him, with his feet in the air, Bugle was holding a blunt and staring at the ceiling.

            Bugle sniggered and Baggy blushed until his ears were bright red.

            Next came a picture of Bankjob and Babyface sitting together. Bankjob was big, almost his adult size. He was fiddling with a switchblade knife across his cuticles while Babyface, still a preteen, popped the heads off of some old dolls.

            Here was Burger’s first stickup, and he must have decided it at a fast food joint, because he had come home holding a gun in one hand and about twenty leaking bags of greasy burgers in the other.

            Next was a photo of BigTime as an early teen, sneering nastily and pointing to Old Scrooge McDuck’s moneybin in the distance.

            “Oh! And here’s your first arrest,” Ma said proudly, pointing excitedly at the photo write underneath. In it, BigTime, Burger, Bankjob, and Bouncer were all behind bars in a paddy wagon, looking desperately out towards the viewer to help them.

            “Ohohoho, this must’ve been the first time you hit Scrooge’s moneybin!” she observed.

            “Why’d ya just sit there and take a picture?!” whined BigTime. He remembered the unfortunate event like it was yesterday.

            “Oh, you know I wouldn’t abandon you boys,” Ma said. “I had you out within the week, didn’t I? And a little jailtime does wonders for building character!”

            The last photo looked relatively recent, taken within the last five years or so. All the boys stood in front of the very wood cabin they were in now, with their numbered placards on their chests and with Ma standing right in the middle.

            Ma sniffed, and the boys looked up at her with anxiously.

            “Ma-,” started BigTime, standing up and his eyes widening.

            “ I wish we had more family moments like we did back then,” Ma Beagle said sadly, shutting the album and putting it aside. “But you boys are all grown-up now. You don’t need your mother…”

            “No, uh, wait, mum!” Baggy protested.

            “Yeah, we _like_ wasting valuable time with you!” Babyface squirmed.

            “Why, you’s the one who’s taught us our thievin’ ways! Who would we be without ya?” Bankjob was on his feet and putting an arm around his mother’s shoulders.

            Ma sniffled and looked up, smiling. “Well. There’s just a few hours left of this crummy year left anyhow. How ‘bout we make it into somethin’ us Beagles can remember?”

            All the Beagle Boys jumped up and cheered.

            “Well, then, first thing we’ll need is a good, end-of-the-year supper!” Ma said, heading to the kitchen with her hands on her hips.

            “But Burger ate all the food, remember?” complained BigTime.

            “Not quite,” said Ma. “Luckily, your Mom’s smart and always plans ahead!”

            She winked and dug out a pile of frozen meat pies (stuffed with extra black eyed peas for luck!) that must’ve been in a hidden compartment at the back of the fridge. It’d finally happened. She’d Burger-proofed the fridge.

            After a few moments of torturous waiting for them to heat up, the boys could finally dig in to their meal.

            Suddenly Bouncer hacked and coughed, and spat up a tiny razor blade. He gave a worried look to his mother.

            She shrugged and chuckled. “Ah, I guess sometimes I forget I don’t need to toss in anythin’ extra.” She grabbed a bottle out of a cabinet and poured some for herself, and then passed it around the table.

            “Wine, Ma? How’d ya get your mitts on this one?!” Bankjob asked with surprise.

            “Oh, don’t worry, Bankjob. Nobody cares if you nab the cheap stuff,” Ma winked. “Hey! Babyface, I don’t think so. I’m a bad role model but I’m not _that_ bad!”

            The youngest Beagle, about to pour some for himself, looked at her sourly and passed it over.

            “Mmm, mmm!” Burger licked his lips and burped loudly. “Why, y’know the best thing about being outta the slammer is the home-cooked meals! You should come and work makin’ ‘em in prison, Ma!”

            “They wouldn’t be home-cooked then, would they, dummy?!” BigTime said.

            “Hey, duh, there’s some fireworks startin’!” Baggy called out from the window. The boys all popped up excitedly to see the display. This was the best part of the night!

            For hours, the fireworks could be seen from all across Duckburg. The night sky was filled with colorful bursts and explosions (which the Beagles particularly loved), and then the air became thick and tense as the clock counted down the few minutes left of the year.

            “Any of you boys have a New Year’s Resolution?” Ma asked as the last fireworks of the old year lit the night sky.

            “D’uhhh…” Baggy started.

            “Oh, I do! I’m gonna be taller!”

            “By the end of next year, I’m gonna be able to bench another 200 pounds!”

            “And I’ll ‘ave tasted every top special in the town of Duckburg!”

            Ma gave them all an expectant look. “And…?”

            Oh, of course. They all knew the answer: “…And break into Scrooge’s money bin!”

            “Come in for the picture, boys,” Ma said, holding up a camera. “The first one for the new year!”

            The boys, grumbling, shuffled together in front of the window and gave phony smiles. If it made her happy… CLICK.

            And right then, the clock hit midnight.

            “Hey, Ma, I think ‘dat firework was just shaped like Scrooge,” commented Bouncer suddenly.

            Ma Beagle’s let out an angry, inhuman shriek and smashed the camera to bits onto the floor.

            The boys’ eyes all met and they let out a sigh. “Happy New Year, Ma.”


	3. Taking a Sick Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Burger Beagle has a cold, but BigTime is determined to prove he's faking it.

 

            The rain was pouring hard as the Beagle Boys cut the engine in front of their house. Covering themselves with whatever they had, the four Beagles rushed to the door, holding onto the pathetic bag of loot they’d recovered from their last failed escapade.

            Ma Beagle opened the door, beaming, and ushered them in. “Oh, my bright, handsome, talented boys!” She chuckled, patting their heads. “How did the heist go?” Today this was of particular interest to her because they’d been targeting the Duckburg Jewelery Store.

            “Eh, well…” BigTime, who was holding onto the bag, looked at his brothers nervously for support. “It coulda been _worse…”_

            Ma’s eyes narrowed and she threw her hands up in exasperation. “Oh, my brainless, stupid, good-for-nothin’ boys!”

            Her four children looked down shamefully as she laid into them, when Burger started sneezing and sniffling.

            “What’s goin’ on with you, Burger?” Ma asked.

            “Eh….I ain’t feelin’ so good,” Burger said, shivering a little from the rain soaking his skin.

            Ma’s face softened. “Aw, my poor baby!”

            She led Burger upstairs and laid him out onto the small bed, causing the mattress to groan under his weight.

            The others followed behind her, and BigTime made a face. "But Ma, I got you this!" He held up the cute little ruby bracelet he’d pilfered just for her.

            "Those rhinestones are plastic!" Ma squawked, and she tossed it off into the corner without another look.

            Ma inserted a thermometer into his mouth and hustled the other boys out of the room. “Give him some space to breathe, goshdarnit!”

            Ma waddled back into the room and withdrew the thermometer. "It looks like you've got yourself a fever, dear. But we can't take you the hospital, not with our faces plastered all over the Most Wanted list.”

            BigTime and the others peered over the doorway. "So it looks like me and all your brothers will have to take care of you!"

            No way.

            "Aw, come on Ma!” Big Time whined.

            "Now I'm going out to the pharmacy to swipe some aspirin and cold medicine," Ma said, waving him off and getting into her raincoat. "You boys help out Burger with everything he needs, GOT IT?" Her jaw was drawn and taut as if daring them to refuse.

            "Y-yes, mama," Big Time and the others said grudgingly.

            When she slammed the door, the whole house shook. The minute she was gone, Big Time's fake smile flipped into a frustrated grimace and he turned to his three brothers. "Aw, c'mon. You gotta be kidding me. We have to babysit?!"

            "Well, d'eh, he does look pretty sick, Big Time," Baggy said, trying to stay impartial.

            "Pshhh!" Big Time blew air between his lips. "He ain't sick, he's faking this whole thing!"

            Bouncer frowned. "Why?"

            "For attention, no doubt."

            Baggy and Bouncer looked at each other doubtfully. "But, uh, Ma said he had a fever."

            Big Time rolled his eyes. "Not like that's not hard to pull off. My bet is the second she turned around he pulled the old under-the-lamp trick!"

            Baggy frowned. "But BigTime, didn't _you_ do that back in primary school?"

            BigTime scowled, "The specifics aren't important!" What BigTime did to avoid gym class wasn't relevant anyway. "Look, I can prove it, ok?"

 

            Suddenly there was a deafening, explosive sneeze from the next room.

            Baggy and Bouncer rushed over to Burger's bedside, looks of concern on their faces as he scrunched up beneath the blankets and flailed.

            "Burger, buddy, you a'rite?" Bouncer asked nervously.

            Burger stopped writhing and coughing, and he turned to look at them above him. He smiled weakly. "Oh, hi guys. Could I ask...could I ask for a glass of water?"

            "Of course!" Bouncer said sympathetically, turning on his heel to grab his brother some refreshment.

            "Oh, wait...on second thought, can you make that a diet cola?"

            Bouncer paused, then nodded and headed down the steps.

            "Anything I can do, bro?" Baggy asked with a hopeful smile.

            Burger wiped at his nose, leaving a snotty mess on his sleeve, and sniffled. "Thanks, Baggy. Fluff my pillow a li'l bit, wouldya?"

            BigTime just watched with annoyance as Baggy worked with the pillow, trying to get all the lumps out of it.

            "No, not quite. Better....Getting colder!" Burger's critique of his form grated on Big Time's every nerve. Finally, "Ah, that's perfect!"

            Baggy heaved a sigh of relief, stepping back and sweating a bit. Bouncer then returned with an icy cold glass of Burger's favorite diet cola.

            "Here ya go, Burg."

            Burger blinked.

            "Actually, now that you're here, can you go out to McDuckalds and pick me up a Chocolate Cheesecake Milkshake with a Jumbo Burger and fries?"

            Bouncer's mouth fell open a little. "Huh?"

            "I mean, I think it's the _only_ thing that'll make me feel better," Burger added, smiling sweetly.

            "20,000 calories worth of cholesterol make you feel better?!" BigTime snapped.

            "Well, uh...a'rite..." Bouncer said, putting the drink down and preparing for another arduous journey. Burger demanded it...and Ma would surely want his demands filled.

            "Ooh, BigTime," Burger said with a sniffle, waving the short little Beagle over. "Just the guy I was hopin' ta see!            Tell me a story!" Burger sat upright with his elbows on his knees, eyes practically sparkling.

            BigTime took a step back in disgust. "Why the heck should I hafta do anything? You got enough people trippin' over their feet for ya already, looks like."

            "Aw, but BigTime, I’m _sick!"_ Burger reminded him.

            "You haven't sneezed in the last three minutes, you're _totally_ faking!" BigTime accused, pointing. "Right, Bags?"

            Baggy jolted nervously and raised his hands up in the air. "D'eh, come on BigTime...leave 'im alone!"

            "Fine!" BigTime barked, turning back on Burger. "Here's a story. Once there was a dumb spoiled princess who pretended she had the Sparkle Unicorn Flu, and everyone in the kingdom was SO stupid they fell for it..."

            "That’s awful," Burger griped. "You're not very good at tellin' stories, are you? Well, alright, can you sing?"

            BigTime's jaw clenched. “You are such a _manchild_.”

 

            Sometime later Ma returned home with all sorts of medicine and bustled on into the room where Burger was napping soundly, Baggy sitting by his side.

            She kissed him sweetly on the forehead and he awoke with a smile. "Hi, Mama! I've been bein' a good boy."

            From his seat across the room, BigTime felt ready to wretch.

            Suddenly there was a clatter from downstairs and the door slammed. Trudging up the stairs came Bouncer, soaked to the bone in his yellow raincoat and looking dismal.

            "Hey, where's my food?" Burger asked, jumping up and down eagerly and making the bed squeak horribly. "You got it, didn't ya?"

            Bouncer hesitated as he dripped water all over the floor, not sure exactly how to say it....

            "I didn't bring enough money," he spat out as fast as he could. "For, uh, anythin'."

            Burger stared at him and Bouncer crumbled under his gaze.

            “Uh, well I got there, and then I asked for what you wanted, and they asked me, ‘do you want cheese on your cheeseburger?’, an’ how are you s’posed to answer that?! And then I got to the window and all I had in my pocket were marbles, so they got mad and…”

            "Aw, well you shouldn't be eatin' all kinds of junk, Burger, dear," Ma interrupted, pouring him a cup of nasty looking purple goo. "Not when you're feeling so low..."

            "No! I'm hungry!" Burger yelled, and everyone knew he was starting up one of his famous Burger tantrums. "I'm _thirsty!_ " Squeak, squeak, squeak.

            "Drink toilet water, that's free," Big Time grunted.

            "Burger!" Ma snapped. The roly-poly Beagle Boy took one look at his mother's darkened brow and settled back into bed, pouting. Arguing with Ma was both pointless and dangerous.

            "A-are you feelin' any better, Burger?" Baggy asked hopefully.

            "Well, I thought I was," Burger said sullenly, coughing into his fist.

            "Gee...I'm sorry, Burger," Bouncer said apologetically, looking sincerely regretful. "I...I tried askin’ if they’d accept what I had, but they threatened siccin' the cops on me.”

            Burger wheezed, his eyelids fluttering. "I-it's ok. I...almost forgive you."

            BigTime clenched the air furiously. "Oh, come on! You're laying it on thick, Burger. It's a cold, you're not dyin', and it's a _fake cold_ at that!"

            Burger squinted his eyes at him and made a nasty hacking sound. "Cough...cough...It hurts to talk..."

            "Oh, how convenient!"

            "Enough, BigTime!" Ma smacked him lightly, a look of disapproval across her face. She turned to Burger. "I'll whip some of your favorite: Slammer Sirloin Stew, how about that?" Ma asked him.

            The hefty Beagle nodded vehemently, a smile spreading across his face, and he sniffled again.

            "I'll go make supper," Ma said, sitting up, "Try to get some rest. You boys leave him alone, now, ya got it?!"

            She didn't need to tell them twice. The three Beagles were more than happy to do so.

 

            "Thattaboy, Burger, dear!" Ma cheered from the other room, half an hour later after supper had been served. "Oh, you look like you're getting better already." She walked over to the room where BigTime, Baggy, and Bouncer were lounging, and gave them a smile. "Why, he drank the whole thing in one gulp and fell sound asleep. You boys be quiet now!"

            "Yay," said BigTime without enthusiasm.

            The moment she was gone he flung a dart viciously at the board hanging on the wall. "Not."

            "BigTime, why do you hate him so much?" Baggy asked, looking up from the upside-down magazine he was holding.

            BigTime sighed heavily. "I _don't hate_ him. I just don't 'ppreciate when someone, anyone, tries ta hoodwink me." He flung another dart. "And _this_ hood ain't gonna be winked!"

            Bouncer crossed his arms. "Yeah, well what makes you so sure? You haven't proven anything."

            Normally, BigTime would have found all this devotion and brotherly camaraderie admirable, but at the moment, it just irked him even more.

            "Oh, I'll prove it!" he said, stomping his foot. "I'll prove it, and you're gonna look _so dumb."_

 

            Much later that night, a shadow crept out on the front lawn of the Beagle home and slinked its way inside.

            "Hmph, who knew these places were open midnight or later?” BigTime mused, grimacing at the leaky, greasy bag of fast food he held in his hand. He didn’t exactly know what “later” meant, since anything after midnight counted as early, in his rightful opinion.

            But oh, the stink.

            Burger would love it. He wouldn't be able to resist.

            BigTime chuckled and quietly made his way up the stairs, ready to put his brilliant test to the test, when…

 

            "How can you doubt your own brother?" a tiny voice spoke to him.

            BigTime just about jumped out of his skin and looked around until his eyes fell on a tiny little fellow in white perched on his shoulder.

            "Ah, I'll believe 'im when the reaper comes callin', " responded the little red Beagle standing on his other shoulder, with a smirk. "Why ya have to butt in to everythin', feathers?"

            The little angel BigTime gasped at his words and shook his finger reproachfully. "What has he ever done to hurt you?"

            Devil BigTime started counting on his fingers. "One, he exists. Two, he's annoyin'. Three, he exists, and that counts twice since he's so massive." He turned to big BigTime. "And you agree wit me, right? Come on. Let's rat this big baby out like he deserves."

            Angel BigTime shook his head, "He's miserable-!"

            "You're makin' me miserable!" His darker counterpart cut him off.

            BigTime got himself together and leered down at the angelic vision. "Aw, what do you know, ya buzzin' mosquito?" With that, he flicked it off his shoulder and his devil friend cackled before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

            Ugh. BigTime shook himself. That was weird. And seein' himself in a white flowy dress hadn't been particularly enlightening.

 

            BigTime grabbed the handle to Burger's bedroom door and glanced inside. There he was, snoring away. In a way it was almost adorable. Except only if adorable meant despicable and gut-churning.

            "Make a fool outta me, will ya?" BigTime growled to himself, and he opened up the bag. The stench of onions and meat wafted through the air, filling the room.

            Burger's nose twitched. "Yeahhh...."

            He made a slurping sound and started licking his chops, sweating a little. Then his eyes popped open.

            Perfect.

             BigTime started heading back down the stairs, towards the kitchen, making sure to keep the bag wide open. And not far behind him, as he'd perceived, came Burger, blinking blearily in the darkness.

            "Mmm...a triple decker ultimate whoppinator with bacon and onions!" He smacked his lips. His very favorite! 

            By now BigTime was down by the kitchen, and he slipped behind the wall in wait to jump out and surprise him with a victorious "Aha!"

            Burger turned the corner and he got ready to spring...

            "ACHOOOOO!" Burger sneezed explosively right in BigTime's personal bubble.

            "AHHH!"

            BigTime covered his face and the bag splat onto the floor.

   Burger turned on the light and blinked, looking around with bewilderment. "BigTime? Is dat you?"

            Then he spotted the mess on the floor and a broad grin crossed his face. His nose was running freely. "Aw, you went out and got me da burger I'd been hankerin' for!" he grabbed his brother in a tight hug. "Ain't you the best!"

            BigTime gagged in his grip and started coughing weakly.

            "Oh oh," Burger said, taking a look at him, "I think you's caught what I have!"

            BigTime's eyes widened in horror.

            "You know what this means? We's gonna be roomies!"

 

            Not soon after, BigTime lay huddled up under the blankets, his eyes red and itchy and nose leaking like a faucet. He looked over at Burger, who was lying in the bed across from him. Stupid!

            He should have known...even if bedbound with phenomena, Burger would chase the allure of a cheeseburger to the ends of the Earth. Ugh, why had he been so stubborn?

            Well, now he was paying the price.

            Burger grinned over at him. "Alright, BigTime!" he said, "Now it's my turn to tell _you_ a story!"

 


	4. A Street Cat Named Ratty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baggy adopts an alley cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original Beagle Boy comics were the basis for this fic, particularly "The Sofa Saga", illustrated by Tom McKimson, and "A Very Special Cat", illustrated by Jack Manning. Ratty is the pet cat of the Beagle Boys in the original comics, but I thought it'd be fun to see the Ducktales Boys with a pet too.
> 
> A few quotes are taken directly, or at least inspired by, these two comics.
> 
> Kind of short and rushed but hopefully decent. The cat will probably show up again in later stories.

Tick, tick, tick... Baggy sat at the kitchen table, with his head buried in his hands, listening to the sound of the clock and the rain outside. Why couldn't he get to sleep? He was deadbeat tired, sure enough. But he just couldn't keep his eyes closed.

He tapped his finger distractedly on the table, thinking deep Baggy thoughts; like how on Earth did "Keep Off Of Grass" signs get onto the grass?

Suddenly Burger came waddling in, the floor creaking loudly with every step he took.

"D'uh…you can't sleep either?" Baggy guessed. He was glad for some company.

Burger giggled. "Nah! I always come down for my thirty-minutes-after-midnight snack!" The hefty Beagle Boy started rummaging noisily in the depths of the refrigerator.

"I'm makin' a sandwich with all the fixin's," Burger said, grabbing a handful of items. "Uh...'dis donut, some smoked fish… mashed potaters…and chunky peanut butter. You wan' some?"

Baggy's stomach turned. "Euh, I'm good."

"More for me!" Burger grinned, slathering his work with a finishing layer of cream cheese and taking a chomp.

"MREOW!" A screeching sound followed by a crash from outside made both Beagles jump right out of their skins.

"Wh-what was that?!" Baggy cried.

"Uh, you go an' see," Burger said nervously. "I'll hold down da fort."

Grabbing a flashlight and umbrella, Baggy stepped outside of their crumbling, three-floor hideout and into the pouring rain. He whipped the light around. What if it was those dastardly Beagle Boys he'd heard about on the radio? …Oh, wait.

"Merp!"

Baggy's light went down to his feet. One of the garbage cans had toppled over, and standing right beside it was a scrawny and wet little grey alley cat.

Baggy's look of terror flipped into a smile.

"Oh, ah, hi there!" Baggy said, kneeling down and holding the umbrella over the cat. His back arched and he made a hissing sound.

"Aw, I ain't gonna hurt you," Baggy said, reaching out slowly. "What's yer name? I'm Baggy."

After a few minutes, the cat finally reached out and let Baggy touch him.

"Merp!"

Baggy, who was meanwhile getting soaked, grinned and picked him up in his arms.

Baggy brought him into the house and started drying him off with a towel while Burger watched with bulging eyes.

"Aww, 'dats better, ain't it?" Baggy said.

The cat's eyes closed and he started purring.

"What's it doing?!" Burger asked.

Baggy frowned. "D'eh, I think he's broken." He reached into the fridge and pulled out a leftover piece of fish. The cat mrrowled and gobbled it up hungrily.

"What's all the commotion about?!" a cranky voice suddenly shouted. BigTime stomped in, his sleeping mask pulled over his head.

Then he saw their guest.

"What's that ratty, mangy thing doin' here?!" BigTime shouted, sniffling and rubbing his nose.

The cat hissed.

"Aw, well, first, it was rainin'…" Baggy explained. "And then, uh, he musta been playin' in the trash…!"

BigTime let out an explosive sneeze. "Get it outta here! I'm allergic!"

Baggy smiled. "Aw, you're a lotta things, BigTime, but you're not a _lergic_!"

BigTime's groaned. "Do you ever think before you speak?"

"I can't. It happens to fast." Baggy shrugged.

Meanwhile, the cat had sauntered into the living room, and jumped onto the sofa with a confidence only cats have.

Scrtch…scrtch…! He dug his claws into the fabric.

"Yahhh! No! Bug off, you fleabag!" BigTime ran in after the little beast, waving his arms and sniffling. "Baggy, yer nasty li'l friend is diggin' his claws into our life savings!"

"Aw, leave 'im alone!" Baggy cried desperately. "All 'dis upper class stuff must be confusin' to him!"

"Gotcha!" BigTime grabbed the cat by the scruff of the neck ("YEOWL!") and flung it ("REEOOOW!") back out the door and into the pouring rain. He quickly slammed the door behind it and turned on his brothers, eyes red and watery.

"I've got it bad enough takin' care of you two mugs! I don't need another goon to look after!" BigTime snapped, glaring at Baggy. " _Especially_ some nasty, ratty alley cat!" With that, he wiped his nose and stomped back upstairs to try and catch a few more winks of sleep.

"Gee, sorry, Baggy," Burger said, finishing up his sandwich and giving him a sympathetic look. "I know 'zactly how it feels. BigTime wouldn't let me have 'dat huge honey-glazed ham I wanted at the market either."

"He's gonna get all rained on!" Baggy moaned sadly, looking out the boarded window into the darkness. "Poor kitty…all wet and cold and all alone…"

The cat sat sulking on the steps for a long time, wondering what he'd done wrong. It'd been so nice to be petted…to eat real food…to feel like he belonged somewhere.

Then that scruffy midget went and ruined everything. _Hssss._

Suddenly his ears pricked up- there was someone out here with him!

"Is this the place?" said the cop, closing the door softly and looking at the building. "Whooo-eee! What a dump. This place oughta be condemned!"

"Yeah, well we've got to check it out first," said his partner, patting the gun in his holster. "According to the tip, there have been some strange noises and sightings…nothing specific."

"'Course not," the first cop said bitterly. "What can you expect of people livin' in this bum part of town?"

The two walked up the street and straight for the Beagle's hideout.

The cat's ears went back. He knew trouble when he saw it. Taking a deep breath, he leapt to the front steps and let out a shrieking yowl.

"MREEEEOOOOOOW!"

Back inside, Baggy had been dozing, and he woke up with a start.

"Kitty-?" he asked softly, opening the door just a smidge. The cat barreled into his arms.

"Hey!" Baggy was shocked for a moment, but he was happy to see his little friend again. "You gotta be quiet, or-"

Then he saw the headlights from the police cruiser some distance down the road. They were being raided!

Baggy grabbed up the cat by hit kitty armpits and sprinted to the bedroom where BigTime and Burger were sleeping. "Guys, guys, wake up!"

BigTime opened his eyes and let out a loud sneeze. "Now waddaya wan- oh, no!" He glared at the animal in Baggy's arms. "I thought I told ya to get rid of that thing!"

"Shhhhh!" Baggy said, dropping his friend to the floor with a thump. "It's da _cops_!"

BigTime and Burger froze.

"Shoooot," BigTime breathed, silently stepping to the boarded window and peering through the boards. Sure enough, there was a baconmobile parked right out there.

"Wh-what do we do?" Burger whimpered.

"Quick, get to the basement," BigTime instructed. "We can escape through there!"

As quietly as they could, the three Beagle Boys raced down to the cellar door and stumbled down the dark basement stairs, closing the door behind them.

"Did you hear that?" asked the first cop as they approached the building. It had been a loud, creepy screeching noise, like a scream, and it had him uneasy.

"Just stay on your toes," his partner said. They reached the door and jiggled the handle. It swung right open and they gave each other a look.

They stepped into the dark house and one of them brought out a little flashlight, scanning the area.

Their faces twitched with disgust as they looked through the rooms. Thick layers of cobwebs, dust, and grime were on everything, and the walls were seeping with mold and stains. The few pieces of furniture were ragged and torn beyond any use…even the fridge was bashed in, and all that was left inside was a rotting piece of fish.

"Geez, what a dump!" the first cop repeated. "Nobody could live here."

"Yeah, but hold on…" the second cop walked towards the basement door thoughtfully.

"Merp!"

Both cops spun around, hands ready to grab their weapon. Then they relaxed.

"Oh, it's just some stray cat."

The cat stood on the kitchen counter, rubbing his head against a rusty toaster and purring.

Oops. The toaster fell to the floor with a smash and the cat looked at them innocently.

"Aw, hey there," the first cop walked over and stroked his head. "Was it you making that commotion this whole time, huh?"

"That's what it looks like. Looks like we solved our complaint," the second cop said, snapping his flashlight up. "Hey. Let's go. I need a coffee."

"Ahh, alright," his partner followed him and the two slammed the door, ready to start their next fuzz adventure.

After a few moments of standing with their ears to the door, the boys let out a sigh of relief. That'd been close. _Too_ close!

"It's a good thing Ratty was there to warn us!" Baggy grinned.

BigTime frowned. "Ratty?"

"D'eh, you know…the cat! You called him 'ratty' …well, I guess it kinda fit!" Baggy looked quite proud of himself.

BigTime gnashed his teeth. "Yeah, well, whatever! Don't think I'm gonna forgive that furball for this, it was just a fluke!" He grabbed the doorknob and turned.

It held.

"Uh-oh."

"What? What?!" Burger yelled.

BigTime heaved a big sigh. "Well, er, it looks like we might be…locked in here."

Baggy's eyes widened. Burger started bawling. "We's gonna _die_ in here!" He grabbed Baggy by the throat. "Stop breathin' my air!"

"Relax, numbskulls, we'll just use our original escape plan," BigTime said impatiently. "Lift me up and I'll crawl through the window to come back and unlock the door."

Baggy and Burger laced their fingers and gave BigTime a boost so he could scramble up to the tiny basement window. With a grunt, the short and chubby beagle opened it and started worming his way through.

"Unh! It's too tight!"

Baggy and Burger exchanged worried looks. If BigTime couldn't get out, then they certainly couldn't!

But after a moments of squirming BigTime finally pushed himself through the window and out onto the sidewalk, breathing hard and sore all over. _Never again._ He'd had a month's worth of a workout right there.

Panting, he ran back into the kitchen and started searching frantically for the basement key. Where did they put it? Where did they put it?!

"Mreow?"

He turned around. "Ah no! Keep away!" He covered his face as Ratty frolicked over. "Are you _tryin'_ to make me miserab-?" He stopped himself before he could finish. There was something shiny in Ratty's mouth.

"Hey, that's our skeleton key!" BigTime said.

The cat dropped it at his feet and looked up at him with wide eyes.

BigTime looked at him for a minute, unsure, then reached down and took the key. "Uh…thanks."

With a rattle, he opened the basement door and Burger and Baggy burst out.

"Ah, da land of da livin'! Light! Fresh air!" Burger cried. "Gimme a burger, stat!"

"Guess your dumb cat really wanted to see you, Bags," BigTime said, stifling a sneeze.

"Ohh, uh, where is he?" Baggy asked, eager to give his furry friend a big hug.

Scrtch…scrtch…!

"No! He's scratchin' the stuffin' outta our sofa!" BigTime yelled.

"Wait!" Baggy suddenly held out his arm to stop his brother. "What's this wad of paper in the stuffing…?" He walked over and picked it up.

BigTime came over for a closer look and a huge grin spread on his face. "Well what do ya know! Looks like some previous owner hid his dough in here!" He started digging through the stuffing himself, laughing. "Boys! We hit the jackpot!"

"I think you mean _Ratty_ ' _s_ the jackpot!" Baggy said, giggling, and picking up his cat in his arms. "He's the one who found it all!"

"Yeah, well, I want you to keep him outta my way," BigTime said. Then he smiled. "But I guess he ain't so bad…for a ratty, mangy cat."


	5. Three Babes and a Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Babyface is tired of being pushed around by his brothers, and runs away. Then he meets three interesting criminals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disguising himself as a kindergartener, and liking to play with rubber bands, is in reference to the comic "Webby's Field Trip" by Janet Gilbert and Giuseppe Dalla Santa.
> 
> I dedicate this one to Teacakies, as it was our Beagle Babes rp that became much of the inspiration for this!
> 
> For the record, Babyface resents this chapter's title.

 

"Aw, come on you guys! It was an  _accident!"_

Babyface scampered after his brothers as they stomped angrily around the hideout.

"No way, Babyface. You blew it." Bankjob slammed a door. "Literally!"

"How was I s'posed ta know it was all gonna explode?" Babyface asked innocently.

"You shouldn't have been playin' with firecrackers in the car to begin with!"

"But…"

"Can it, I don't want to hear it," Bankjob groaned and leaned over the counter with a scowl on his face. "You shouldn't be comin' with us on these anyways."

Babyface stopped in his tracks. "What? Why not?!"

"'Cause you always screw up!" Bankjob exploded. "You're too small to carry out bags of cash, you're so clumsy you're always trippin' over your own feet!" He paused for a moment, breathing hard and glaring at his little brother. "And come on. Who's gonna take us seriously if we got a kid tailin' us everywhere?"

Babyface swallowed. Sure, he wasn't real strong. And okay, he was something of a klutz… but he tried harder than anyone. And for the most part, a lot of his efforts had been just to impress Bankjob- the brother he admired and looked up to the most.

"I-I'm not a kid," protested Babyface. He could sense all his other brothers watching him, and his cheeks heated with humiliation.

"Sorry, Babyface," said Bankjob. "But 'til you grow up a little, you're outta the group."

"Ohhhhhhh!" Baggy stifled a giggle.

Babyface felt hot tears welling up in his eyes, and before anyone could see his moment of weakness, he fled upstairs.

"I'm  _not_  a kid," he insisted to himself. He kicked at the bedposts and sniffed.

Looking around, he saw one of Bouncer and Bankjob's weights on the floor.

He forced a weak smile. "This'll show them!" The little Beagle walked over. He'd never tried it before, but it looked easy enough. He could have huge muscles like Bankjob in no time!

With a grunt, he bent down and tried to lift the barbell.

"Oh, yeow!"

He squirmed in pain. Ok, so it was harder than it looked.

Babyface toddled to the bathroom and pulled up a stepstool so he could look at himself in the mirror. He could hardly stand to look at himself. He hated being so…so darn cute. Beagles were supposed to be tough! To be scary!

He looked at the disgustingly littered bathroom counter. His brothers all shaved…except for him. He didn't have a hair on his face. What kind of Beagle didn't have a five 'o clock shadow?!

"Heard you messed up royally today," BigTime's voice rang out from nearby. Babyface jumped and dropped down from the stepstool. "Nice work, shortstuff."

Babyface fumed. "I'm still taller than you."

"Yeah, but at least I look my age," taunted BigTime. "Though I guess if you want to pass for a kindergartener, you got it made!" He cackled. "Aw, Babyface, don't you have such a cute little baby face!"

Babyface covered his ears angrily and pushed past him, tears welling up again.  _Fine_. If that's how it was gonna be…maybe he shouldn't be a Beagle anymore.

Sometime later, Babyface had his knapsack all set. He had everything he needed- some old cookies and his trusty rubber band slingshot. And as usual, he always carried a stick of dynamite or a firecracker under his hat…for emergencies.

His brothers were downstairs, talking- no doubt about him, and how much of a screw-up he was- so now was the perfect time to split.

The front door wasn't an option. And unfortunately, all the windows in the house were boarded up… except for in the basement and one on the third floor. And he sure wasn't going down to the basement- it was scary down there!

Clumsily, the tubby little Beagle Boy straddled the windowsill and took a deep breath. It was a looooong way down…but he had a propeller hat. It was basic physics, it'd work!

He jumped.

He fell like a ton of bricks.

CRASH!

Babyface groaned and crawled out of the toppled garbage cans. He grabbed the beanie off his head and gave it a glare. "Really?! Now even you're turnin' on me?"

"What was that?!" Bankjob's voice called out from inside the house. Babyface darted around the corner and hid, his heart beating wildly.

"D'eh, was prolly just Ratty," Baggy chuckled.

"Baggy, if you can't control that stupid cat-!" BigTime yelled.

Babyface didn't stick around to hear the rest. Gathering himself together, he took off down the street to…anywhere.

After a little while of walking Babyface finally reached the shopping district of downtown Duckburg. It must have been getting late, because his stomach was rumbling and the streets were practically empty.

Babyface took off his knapsack for a little snack and gasped. He must have left it open this entire time, because everything had fallen out.

"Rats!" Babyface groaned. His stomach rumbled again. Looks like he'd be going without dinner tonight.

Suddenly the flash from a car's headlights turning onto the street blinded him, and he stumbled back, covering his face.

The sound of an idling motor tempted him to look up through his fingers. Three women were sitting in the car, looking at him with mixed expressions.

"Heya, kid," said one, with curly, brown hair. She popped a piece of bubblegum loudly. "Ain't it past your bedtime?"

Babyface scrunched up his fists indignantly. Not this again! "I'm not a kid!"

"Aw, 'course you're not," said the one driving with a condescending tone. She had long nails and huge, red hair. "Hey, tell us what's wrong."

"Um…I'm not supposed to talk to strangers," he said uneasily. He instantly berated himself. Stupid! Way to sound like a five year old!

"You're Babyface, right? I recognize your nifty little hat." The blonde girl giggled. "Wow, you'd had that, like, forever. Don'tcha remember your cousins?"

Babyface could vaguely remember having met some female cousins, Bouffant, Babydoll, and Boom-Boom, way back when he was younger, but it'd been so long ago- or so traumatic- that it'd been erased from his mind.

He sighed. Might as well play along.

"I ran away. Bankjob and the others don't like me anymore! They say I mess everythin' up."

The girls exchanged sympathetic glances. "Awww."

"Yeah, Bank was always a hard one," Bouffant grumbled.

"Oh, oh! You should come with us!" Boom-Boom squealed, clapping her hands.

Babydoll groaned. "Ugh, no, not again! Boom, he's just gonna slow us down."

"Well I say we take him," Bouffant smiled. "We could always use another pair of hands. And speakin' of which, the Beauty Salon on the other side of town is closing any minute and I wanna be there to nick some goods as soon as the lights go out!"

Boom-Boom patted a spot next to her and Babyface hesitantly clambered into the small pink coupe, scooting in nervously with his heart pounding. Cousins or not, he didn't really know these ladies from Scrooge.

"Oooh, you're gonna love spending time with us!" Boom-Boom said suddenly, patting his hand. Babyface jumped, but listening to her, she had a really calming voice…he felt himself blushing a little. Aside from Ma, he didn't really know that many girls…generally, he figured they were dumb. But these ones didn't seem so bad.

When they reached the other side of town, Bouffant parked the car in front of the store.

"Alright, I'm gonna grab the stuff!" She took out a hairpin and started picking the lock. "Ruby Red lipgloss for myself, Pastel Peony for you, Boom. What do you want, Babydoll? I'm thinkin' you'd look good in a nice coral."

Babydoll slammed the car door and stomped out. "Oh no! You ain't pickin' the wrong shade for me again! We're  _all_  goin' in!"

Boom-Boom popped out of the car and squeezed Babyface's hand. "Well, come on!"

He looked up at her apprehensively. "Um…I wouldn't want to, uh, impose on yer girl time."

Boom-Boom giggled. "Oh, don't be silly! You're one of us now, aren't ya? Any hey! You can pick out anything you want!"

The door sprung open and the Beagle Babes rushed into the store, oohing and aahing over the fancy displays.

Babydoll scanned the hair stylers and snatched one up with a hungry grin. "Oh, look at this cute curling iron! I need a new one desperately!"

"And aren't these purse accessories just precious?" Boom-Boom held up a bunch of shiny heart shaped charms and soft pink pompom keychains.

"Aw, what the heck! You can never have enough lipgloss!" Bouffant, who'd been mulling over the lipgloss table, laughed and dumped the entire contents into her bag.

Boom-Boom turned to Babyface. "Well, what about you, sugar? Havin' fun? Anythin' catch your attention?"

Babyface hesitated. "Well, uh…" Honestly, this wasn't really the kind of store he would've chosen to break into. But…

Well, hey! They weren't bullyin' him, or callin' him a butterfingers…and they were even offerin' to let him take something for himself! Bankjob would never let him do that.

His eyes caught a plastic box filled with yummy looking brown squares. "Ooh, wait! I want this!"

"I didn't peg ya for someone who wore eyeshadow," Babydoll snickered.

Babyface choked and spat it out with disgust. Worst chocolate ever.

"Alright, let's move!" yelled Bouffant. Babyface followed his cousins back into the car and soon they were speeding down the road for the Beagle Babe's home uptown.

"Hey, have any of youse seen Babyface?" Bankjob walked into the living room, a deep frown on his face.

"Not since you blew your top on him this morning," said BigTime as he clicked through the channels on television. Next to him, Baggy chomped nonchalantly on some potato chips.

"Yeah, well…I haven't seen him since," Bankjob said, getting a little anxious. "I haveta apologize. Come on, we need to find him."

"Oh, he's fine," BigTime waved him off. "Probably just moping in his room like does whenever the Duckburg Mallards lose a game." Which was a lot.

"He's not in his room!" Bankjob insisted. "Listen, something seriously bad must've happened!"

Big Time turned around, finally taking interest. As much as he teased the brat, he had a bit of a soft spot for him. Out of all his brothers, he gave him the least amount of trouble.

"D'eh, but we don't know wheres to start!" Baggy said.

Bankjob scratched his head, thinking for a moment. "We could look all over the city and not find him. I say we need to span out, widen our range! Some of our cousins live uptown, maybe they've seen somethin'."

Big Time stomped over with his arms waving. "No! No way! We ain't getting' those witches involved!"

Bankjob in charge of this operation was a bad idea. But the lugnut already had the phone in his hand and was dialing.

The phone rang a couple of times, and then a feminine voice picked up.

"Hello?"

Bankjob cringed. "Eh, hi there, Bouffant. Uhm, it's Bankjob. Say, have you-"

"Oh hey there, big guy! What're you callin' for?" Bouffant's ear-splitting voice cut him off.

"Well, you see-"

"'Cuz you never call us! Must be important!"

"Er, it is, we-"

"And that's just  _rude!_  You think you can just call and ask for a favor when it's convenient to you?!" Bouffant's voice reached a freakish pitch.

"Wait. What?" Bankjob uttered stupidly.

"Exactly. Toodle-oo, bucko!"

Then suddenly another voice jumped in, one the Beagle brothers recognized well: "Jerk!"

The call ended with a loud click.

Bankjob stood there in silence for a moment, stunned.

"What happened?!" BigTime tapped his foot impatiently.

"Uh…I'm not really sure." Bankjob admitted.

"Fssh, 'dose girls are nuts. I means, no way we can be related, right?" Baggy gave a dopey grin.

Bankjob looked at BigTime worriedly. "But I'm pretty sure…I heard his voice right there at the end! It had to be!" His expression turned into one of alarm. "They must've kidnapped him and he's cryin' for help!"

BigTime and Baggy gasped.

"D'uh, we have to save him!" Baggy cried.

Bankjob put a hand to his chin, looking uncomfortable. He  _really_  didn't want to deal with another dose of crazy today. But then again…if Ma found out they'd let their baby brother get 'napped…

Dang. Women were scary.

"Alright, BigTime, we're gonna go save him!" Bankjob grabbed the keys to the car and started down the stairs.

BigTime made a face. "Why should  _you_  be in charge of this rescue?"

Bankjob glared right back at him. "Well, first of all, I could beat you up!"

BigTime stepped back. It was a good point…for an oversized brute.

"Whuh 'bout me?" Baggy asked.

"You stay here just in case!" Bankjob said.

Huh. Well, if Bankjob wanted it, it must be an important case.

Then the two jumped into the car, (seats still in tatters from this morning's dynamite fiasco), and started it up.

"And then, Baggy fell facefirst into the vat of cheese!" Babyface finished, giggling. The Beagle Babes exploded into laughter.

"Oh, oh, tell us more, I  _love_  stories about their screwups!" Babydoll pounded the bedspread as she shook with glee.

"Hey, do you like games, hon? Bouffant asked, looking at the collection of boardgames under the bed. "We have…Duckland, Duckopoly, Duck and Ladders…oh, but most of the pieces are missin'."

"Uh…I don't really know how to play any of those," Babyface admitted, feeling a little stupid. Playtime with his brothers had consisted mostly of roughhousin' over the last piece of dessert, or dirty games of baseball.

He fished inside his pocket and took out a few thick rubber bands. "Um, well, my favorite thing to do when I'm bored and alone is shoot these. And I'm left alone...a lot."

Bouffant patted his back. "Aw, well, why don't you teach us!"

Babyface smiled and held it one across his fingers. "Ok! Well, ya stretch it back and then leggo with the other hand…and- POW! Let 'er rip!" The rubber band sailed across the room and hit the wall with a thud.

"Ah, that's great!" Babydoll crowed. "It's like pain in your pocket! Me next, me next!"

"Aw, wait, first lemme give you these before I forget!" Boom-Boom squealed, hopping up from the bed and grabbing a handful of stuffed animals from the closet. She set them on the bed next to Babyface and beamed. "Never thought we'd have the chance to bring these out again…!"

Babyface blushed a little. He was way too old for stuffed animals! But he couldn't say no to their expectant looks. He smiled. "Thanks!"

"Awwww!" Boom-Boom squished him tight in a hug. "Aren't ya just the sweetest thing?!"

Babyface could feel his face burning. "Aw, shucks…you're embarassin' me." Thank goodness his brothers weren't there to see him now!

Down below on the street, Bankjob and BigTime parked their car in the alley and made their way up to the rickety old building.

"So what's your plan, genius?" BigTime asked.

"Simple, we jump in and surprise 'em," Bankjob said, taking the steps two at a time. "And then we grab Babyface and run! Piece 'o cake."

BigTime rolled his eyes. "More like a piece of crap!"

"Hey, BigTime, they're our  _cousins_ , not bloodsucking banshees or whatever."

"Pretty sure those words are synonymous."

Bankjob took a deep breath, sizing up the door. Then taking a few steps back, he hurled himself at it with all his strength. "OW!"

The door stuck and Bankjob cringed in pain.

"Wow, nice, brilliant! Idiot!" BigTime spat. "I told you we should've just broke in through the back."

There was a sudden slamming sound from downstairs, and everyone froze.

"The cops?" gasped Babydoll.

"Could be…but that noise sounded way too stupid," said Bouffant. All the same, she picked up her favorite pink handgun and crept down to the door, peering through the peephole.

"Aw, no."

She opened the door just a smidge, but that was enough for Bankjob.

"Babyface?" Bankjob smashed past her and looked around the foyer wildly.

"Hey!" Bouffant screamed. "You can't just barge in here-!"

But Bankjob wasn't listening; he was already halfway up the stairs, BigTime close behind him.

"Babyface?!"

The little Beagle turned pale at the sound of his brother's voice and he slowly looked up.

"Oh, thank goodness! You  _are_ here!" Bankjob smiled and heaved a huge sigh of relief. "We've come to rescue you!"

Bankjob turned on Bouffant. "And you! Just who do ya think ya are, kidnappin' him like that?!"

"Kidnapping?!" cried Bouffant. "Honey, he  _wanted_  to be with us!"

"Oh come off it!" snapped BigTime. "Why would anyone wanna hang around with the likes of you?"

Babyface glared at both of them. "Why? 'Cause all you ever do is push me around! At least they let me help out! At least they treat me nice!"

"Hey, look, kid…" Bankjob tried to console him.

"I'm not a kid!" Babyface exploded, the propeller on his hat spinning furiously. "And I'm not going anywhere with you!"

Bankjob was at a loss. He looked at BigTime, but for once, the loudmouth too had nothing to say. And they both felt completely rotten.

"I, er…didn't know you girls were so into the domestic scene," Bankjob said awkwardly, after a pause.

BigTime gave a weak smirk, trying to pretend he wasn't hurt by the hateful look his brother was giving him. "Yeah, you girls used to be tough. Look what happened to ya."

Babydoll glared at him. "Oh, so we ain't tough anymores, huh?"

Bouffant grinned. "Oh  _really?_  Comin' from the guys who cry when we say we'll tell your mother on them?" She laughed. "Maybe we oughta show our boys here how wrong they really are!"

Boom-Boom giggled.

BigTime instantly regretted the words out of his mouth.

The three girls surrounded them with a gun in each of their hands, herding the two brothers towards a large padded red chair against the wall.

"Look, girls, we can talk this out," BigTime whimpered, raising his hands in the air. He nudged Bankjob. "So talk! Talk to 'em!"

"I…I…" Bankjob didn't know where to start.

Then Babydoll and Bouffant shoved both boys hard into the chair with a grunt. Truly, they were stronger than they looked. Boom-Boom sashayed up with a sweet smile and held up a roll of purple duct tape to their faces.

BigTime whimpered and rubbed his head. "What was that for?!"

Bankjob groaned. That'd unexpectedly knocked the wind outta him, and he sure wasn't liking the way this girl was looming over him with this tape…!

"Enough chatter," Bouffant said, standing back with her hand on her hips. "Bind 'em, Boom."

Babyface didn't know what to do. He was still mad, yeah, but he didn't like how this was looking. Whether he liked it or not, they were his brothers. Jumping down from the bed, Babyface grabbed his last firecracker from under his hat.

"Hey! Stoppit!" Everyone stopped and looked at him, eyes widening. "Or I'll…!"

The Beagle Babes stepped away from the chair.

Bankjob looked at Babyface with guilt and gratitude in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Babyface. I was being an idiot."

"Yeah, that's true, he was an idiot," said BigTime.

"I never should have said you were kicked out of the group," Bankjob continued. "We could never replace you!"

Babyface smiled. "That a promise?"

Bankjob grinned. "I promise."

Babyface quivered with joy and sprang up into his big brother's arms. Was that actin' immature…? He didn't care. He was just so happy to be back with his brothers again.

"Aww," the girls said in unison. Boom-Boom came and kissed him on the nose, a tear running down her cheek.

"You'll come visit your cousins, won't you?" Bouffant sniffled.

Babyface grinned. "Nope!"

Bankjob laughed. "Ahahaha! That's our brat!"

The three Beagle Boys reached the car and were ready for their drive home.

"Hey, BJ, can I drive?" Babyface asked, popping into the driver's seat.

"Haha. Yeah, sure, why not…" Bankjob started. Then his face fell. "Wait, wait! NO! The brakes, the brakes! SHHHHHH-"

What was left of the junker sped down the slope and smashed into the alley wall with a deafening crash.

"Ohhh," BigTime cringed.

"Dangit, Babyface," Bankjob moaned.

Then from the wreckage a voice called out.

"Aw, come on you guys! It was an  _accident!"_


	6. Double Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day! Bouncer and Bankjob fall for the same girl when on a heist and compete to win her heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize the story seems kind of rushed.
> 
> I intentionally didn't describe the girl at all, that wasn't an accident ;)

"Alright, you guys ready!?" Bankjob asked as he parked the van outside of the Duckburg Flower Shop. He looked over his shoulder and grinned at his two brothers

"Ooh, yeah!" squealed Burger, bouncing in his seat. "Ma sure is gonna love this boo-gay we swipe for her! It'll be the best Valentine's ever!"

"Well, she's da only woman we gots in our lives," Bouncer said with a snicker. "So don't she deserve the best?"

Bankjob slammed the car door and motioned to Bouncer. "Burger, you take the wheel and keep the motor runnin'. This'll only take a minute."

The two burly Beagles chuckled and walked into the shop, guns at the ready.

"A'rite, everyone, stay where you are!" barked Bankjob.

All the patrons in the store screamed and froze in place.

Bankjob started to snatch handfuls of flowers from the displays. To be honest, he had no idea what he was doing, but all it had to do was look nice, right?

"Go empty the register," he called to Bouncer.

Bouncer nodded and stalked over to the checkout counter with his gun held high, twisting his face nastily. He was tough, he was terrifyin', and you better not mess with him!

"Alright, lady! Gimme all the…"

The girl at the register raised her arms in the air, with her eyes wide. "Wait, don't shoot!"

Bouncer's scowl fell. She was….kinda pretty.

He must've been staring for a few moments, because the next thing he knew Bankjob was slapping him on the back, holding a horrendous clump of mixed flowers. "Hey, come on! What's the hold up?"

Bankjob's eyes met the girl's and a smile curled on his lips. "Hey."

The girl just whimpered and dove under the counter.

In the distance, the sound of sirens was starting up.

Bankjob grabbed Bouncer by the arm and the two dashed out of the store and into the getaway car. Burger slammed on the gas and with a screech, they were up and down the street in a puff of exhaust.

"So'd ya get it?" asked Burger, taking his eyes off the road to see the floral abomination.

"Yep!" Bankjob said. "And I got every kind of flower in here, I think! Daisies, roses…um, and big spotted daisies."

Bouncer said nothing.

"Whatsamatter, Bouncer?" Bankjob asked, prodding him. "You looks like you ate some of Burger's old grilled cheese."

"What?! I was savin' that!" Burger yelled, making a sharp turn at the corner.

Bankjob smiled. "Oh, I know! You was checkin' out that dame, weren't you?"

Bouncer felt his cheeks grow warm. "W-what…you know that's not it!"

Bankjob smirked. "I dunno. Girl was pretty cute. 'Specially for someone from this side of Duckburg."

"Hey, who's ya talkin' about?" Burger asked.

"Your mom!" Bankjob snapped.

"Huh. Guess I never thought of her 'dat way," Burger mused.

Bouncer flopped down on his bunk with his thoughts racing. Valentine's Day was tomorrow. Normally, it was just another ordinary day of the year, but…she'd been on his mind ever since.

He tried to shake it away, but nothin' worked. Much as he hated to admit it, he liked her. And he hadn't liked a girl since…well, it'd been a long time. And every one of those instances had ended in disaster.

But he had to somehow make it up to her! He gritted his teeth as he thought how she was dealing with everything; the police, her boss, the missing inventory. Ugh. He'd honestly never cared before now.

Bugle, who had quietly listening to his music on another bunk, gave him an annoyed look. "You gonna keep sighing all night, man?"

"Sorry."

Bugle hopped down from his bed and looked over his brother scrutinizingly. "Y'know, when I feel low, I like to write poetry."

"Well 'dat's stupid," Bouncer commented. Bugle looked affronted.

Then Bouncer thought for a moment. "Hold on…No. 'Dat's great!" He grabbed a tiny notepad and pen and started scribbling away.

"Jerk," Bugle muttered, leaving. Nobody understood art these days.

_Hulo mistry gurl._

_i want to mak up 4 wat hapeen at the flowor store. pls meat me aftr work, 2marow..._

_-ur sekrit admyr_

"Hey, Bounce, wanna toss around tha old pigskin?" Bankjob shuffled in with a football under his arm. "Baggy an' Burger say they're in." He stopped short as Bouncer tried desperately to hide the letter he was writing. "What's that?"

Bouncer blushed again. "I, uh…it's nothin'!"

But Bankjob had already snatched it out of his hand.

Bouncer felt like his entire head might blow off with hot steam. Oh, geez…

Bankjob looked up. "Huh. This is good."

Bouncer was shocked. "Ya don't think it's stupid?"

"'Course I do," said Bankjob. "But, y'know, not any stupider than yer usual stuff."

"Aw…thanks, BJ," Bouncer wasn't sure if it had actually been a compliment, but he took it all the same.

Later that night, after the police were long-gone, Bouncer made sure to creep into town and slide his note under the flower shop door. She'd get it first thing in the morning. All he had to do was wait and see what happened.

Valentine's Day morning was cold and overcast. After handing Ma the vase of flowers, ("Is this the best you boys could do?"), all the Beagle brothers went their own way for the day. After all, none of them had Valentines. Which was typical.

Well, apart from Bouncer. He hoped by the end of the day, that'd be different.

And the end of the day finally came.

Bouncer looked in the mirror and nervously mussed his hair. He smiled at his reflection. Ugh. That missin' tooth wasn't doin' him any favors here. His stomach sank at the very thought of seeing her again.

But he couldn't leave her waiting.

For the first time in who knew how long, Bouncer untied his iconic Beagle family mask from his head. He looked almost like a different person without it. Less….criminal.

Bouncer got to the flower shop as twilight set in, and just as it seemed to be closing up. The girl was locking the doors and seemed to be looking around for somebody. This was his chance, it was now or never.

He got ready to sprint across the street, when-

"Hey! So I see ya got my note?" a deep voice rang out.

Bouncer jumped and leapt behind a mailbox.

Bankjob, looking more than usually cocky and full of himself, strutted up to the girl and smiled. Like Bouncer, he too had chosen not to wear his Beagle mask tonight.

And it worked- without it, she didn't seem to recognize him at all.

"You sent it?" she asked, looking up at the tall, muscular Beagle. "I'm sorry, I don't think we've met…"

"Well, no," Bankjob said. "Not, uh, formally. But I've been watchin' you for a while."

The girl's smile faltered, as if she wasn't sure she should be flattered or disturbed by that. "So is that how you know about the burglary yesterday?"

Bankjob hesitated. "Uh…yeah! Those scumbags! If I were there at the time I woulda shown those thugs what's what! Stealin' from a fine girl like you!"

Oh, this was too much. Bouncer felt he was gonna be sick. And how dare Bankjob do this to him!

"Say, what do you say I take you out somewhere's for dinner?" Bankjob offered, putting one of his beefy arms gingerly around her shoulder.

"Ah, well…" The girl started.

"Hold it right 'dere!" Bouncer snapped. The girl's eyes widened as she watched him cross over.

"Who're you?" she asked.

"I'm the one who wrote 'dat note!" Bouncer said, glaring at his older brother with contempt.

"Oh, please. Look, buzz off. This lovely lady obviously needs a real man to protect her," Bankjob said, getting irritated.

"Why don'tcha say 'dat to my fist, ya louse!" Bouncer shouted, his arms shaking with rage. But he stopped himself before he got out of control, and turned back with a self-conscious smile towards her. "Um. Sorry if I scared ya. You….uh, look purty tonight!"

"I think I have to go home," the girl said faintly. Without another word, she turned tail and was sprinting off down the sidewalk.

Bankjob threw his hands in the air and groaned. "Look what ya did!"

Bouncer leered right back and shoved him, hard. "No, look what you did! 'Dat was my letter!"

Caught off guard, Bankjob stumbled backwards a bit. For a moment he looked surprised, and then his eyes narrowed into slits. "Yeah, well, she liked me!"

"I saw her first!" Bouncer shouted, getting in his face.

"By like five seconds!" Bankjob retorted.

"At least I wasn't a complete creep!"

Bankjob rolled his eyes. "Well, was that you flirting? Because that was just embarrassing."

Bouncer punched him. Bankjob made a soft gasping sound as Bouncer's fist connected with his face, and hunched over in pain. "You gave me a black eye, you dimwit!" He couldn't believe it.

After a few moments of pained groaning, Bankjob glared up at his brother. "Fine," he spat. "If you're such a man, why don't you ask her out? Do it. I dare you."

Bouncer, panting with his fist still in the air, felt his heart sink. He'd never asked out a girl before. And he'd certainly never been on a date.

But Bankjob's stupid, taunting face was enough to give him some incentive.

"Fine, 'den, I will," Bouncer said. "You're gonna eat your words!"

An hour later, back at the Beagle home, Bouncer was desperately flipping through the Duckburg phonebook. He'd found out her name- and wasn't it was a gorgeous one indeed?!- from breaking into the store a second time, and now all he needed was her number and address.

Bankjob stood in the corner, soaking his eye with a chunk of steak. He knew Bouncer wouldn't do it. He was too chicken. Bankjob smirked.

Bouncer took a deep breath and dialed, his stomach tying up in knots.

It rang once. Twice. Then…."Hello?" said a voice. A beautiful, wonderful, totally perfect voice!

"…Guh." Said Bouncer.

Suddenly his mouth was dry. He swallowed and closed his eyes.

"Um, I mean, it's me."

"How did you get my phone number?" she asked nervously.

"Um…" Bouncer scratched his butt. "I just guessed."

"Oh."

She didn't seem too bright, but that hardly mattered- in fact, it was all the more reason they belonged together!

"Listen. I'm sorry 'bout earlier. Do you wanna come an' get somethin' to eat…or somethin'…?" Bouncer held his breath.

There was a silence. "Um, sure."

"It's ok, I understand…" Bouncer started. He paused. "Wait, you said 'yes'?"

From the other side of the room, Bankjob's jaw dropped.

"…Yeah." She said.

"Um…ok! 'Den I'll go and pick you up!" He hung up. Bouncer could feel his heart lifting. Not even bank robberies had left him feeling so exhilarated!

"You can't go out lookin' like that!" Bankjob spat. "You look like a chump."

Just then, Bugle and Babyface came into the room.

"What's going on?" Bugle asked, looking between the two brothers. "Where have you guys been? Dinner's been ready for-"

"Tell Bouncer he looks like a chump!" Bankjob said.

"Hey! Why ain't ya wearin' yer masks?!" Babyface cried out. Just talking about taking off the masks was practically taboo. "Oh, you guys are gonna be in trouble if Ma finds out-!" He giggled nastily and ran for the door.

Bugle grabbed his shoulder and stopped him. "Hold on a minute, man," he said, putting a hand to his chin thoughtfully. "You two gonna tell me what's goin' down?"

Bouncer could hardly contain his joy. "I'm goin' on a date!"

The two brothers' eyes widened.

"Yech!" Babyface said. "With a girl?! Gross!"

"Well… Bank is right about one thing, you can't meet the love of your life lookin' like that," Bugle said, a big grin spreading across his face.

Bankjob spluttered. "Love of his life?! What?" He tossed the hunk of meat angrily to the floor. "She was goin' out to dinner with me until he butted in!"

Bugle crossed his arms. "Well, then, I guess you're both gonna have to find out who she really fancies, man." He grinned and snapped his fingers. "Bebopadoowop! And I know just the duds to set you up."

He dove deep into the bedroom closet and began tossing clothes and hangers all over the place. "Here we go."

He finally brought out a big white box filled with tacky costumes. "These are the props from that one-man musical I presented a couple years back!" He said proudly. "These should do just the trick," Bugle withdrew two handmade, black suits. "A little on the small side for you two…but still better than nothing."

Bouncer and Bankjob both grabbed a suit and struggled buttoning them up. Yep, definitely too small...but better than nothing.

"Well, what're you waitin' for? Isn't your girl waiting for you?" Bugle urged.

"Aw, thanks, Bugle!" Bouncer said, almost feeling teary-eyed. He'd be sure to make him his best man at the wedding.

"Yeah, you're really swell!" Bankjob grinned. He tagged his brother on the back, and then dashed for the doorway.

Bouncer rushed right after him, blood boiling, he couldn't let Bankjob beat him there.

After the two had left, Babyface turned to look at his brother with disgust. All the thought of mushy stuff was too much for him. "You don't really think a girl likes them, do ya?"

"Aw, man, of course not. That's why it's hilarious!"

The instant Bankjob parked the car outside the house, Bouncer sprung from his seat and made a mad dash for the doorstep. Furiously, Bankjob lunged right after him.

"I'm gonna ring the doorbell!" Bankjob said, shoving Bouncer out of the way. "That's what gentlemen do!"

"Yeah, well, she's expectin' me! What's she gonna do when she sees yer ugly mug instead?!" Bouncer snapped back, pushing right back.

The door suddenly opened…just a crack. Her face appeared. "Hello? Is someone there?"

Bouncer and Bankjob threw their hands behind their backs and put on their best smiles.

The girl opened the door wider, a look of unease on her face as she realized it was the both of them standing on her stoop.

"H-how are you this evening?" Bouncer started nervously. "Did ya…did ya still wanna get some dinner?" He grinned, then remembered his busted tooth, and shut it again.

"I didn't know so many people were coming," she said.

"Oh! Oh, well, I brought you this!" Bouncer suddenly reached into his suit and brought out a fistful of flowers. The same flowers they'd nabbed from the store yesterday.

Her eyes widened for a second. Then she smiled and took them. "How pretty!"

Bouncer smirked at Bankjob.

"Yeah, well, please let me walk you down to the car," Bankjob reached out and took her hand with a surprising gentleness. "You can sit up front with me."

She took his hand and the two stepped down to the vehicle, leaving Bouncer confused in their wake.

"What about him?" she asked.

"Oh, forget him. He can sit in the back. Tonight is about you and me!" Bankjob started the engine and Bouncer leaped back into the car, furious. He wasn't about to be left behind on his own date!

Despite it's shortcomings, Duckburg did have one fine downtown restaurant. And it was the perfect place to bring a girl you wanted to impress.

"Wow," she said, exiting the car. Bankjob took her by the arm.

"Brother, be a dear and park the car for us." Bankjob grinned at him. "I'll escort the lady inside."

"You play dirty," Bouncer shot at him from inside the car.

"Well, all's fair in love in war," Bankjob sneered quietly.

"You just made that up!"

Muttering bitterly, Bouncer double-parked in the back and then raced back into the restaurant. The server gave him a disgruntled look and pointed out a table.

"Get anythin' you want!" Bankjob oozed, looking fondly at her. "Nothin's too good for my sweetie!" They already had a bottle of champagne bubbling in the middle.

Bouncer turned to look at her as she leafed through the menu. He had to do it…or he'd never have the chance. His brother was just too charismatic, too determined. Bouncer's face started burning and now he really felt ready to throw up- preferably on Bankjob.

"Eh…I…I love you!" Bouncer cried out, grabbing hold of her hand.

Several of the people at nearby tables turned and stared.

She opened her mouth to speak, but Bankjob interrupted.

"I love you too!" he yelled. "And I love you better!"

Now everyone in the restaurant was staring.

Bouncer and Bankjob both looked at her expectantly, and she looked nervously back and forth between the two.

"Um, look…you two…aren't really my type. I don't like muscleheads."

What.

Both boy's faces fell and they looked at her with confusion. Strong, tough, charming guys weren't her type?! That went against everything they'd ever learned about girls. Ever.

"And I'm already in an online relationship," she added awkwardly, pushing away from the table. "With this really smart guy. His name is Megabyte." She smiled.

Bouncer and Bankjob turned a sickly shade of green. She turned around and walked right out, and the two shared a look of disgust and abject horror. Is this how heartbreak felt?

The brothers looked at one another.

"Um…I'm sorry, Bounce," Bankjob said after a moment, standing up and looking deeply ashamed of himself. "I was a jerk."

"Me too," Bouncer sighed. "Sorry for what I did 'ta yer eye."

Bankjob clapped him on the back. "Forget it! Hey, let's promise never to fight over a girl again." He grinned.

"For sure!" Bouncer agreed. The two started heading for the exit.

"An' who eez going to pay for this, eh?" snapped a fancy waiter, holding up the champagne.

Bouncer and Bankjob glanced at one another.

"Run for it!"


	7. Friday Night Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bugle enters a singing competition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is easily my least favorite story. It's very weak, Bugle is hard for me to write.
> 
> Artists and songs referenced: Duke Cabbie Callington is based on both Duke Ellington and Cab Calloway, the first song is based off of Duke Ellington's "It Don't Mean a Thing".
> 
> The Bea Gees is obviously a reference to the BeeGees, and their song "Stayin' Alive".
> 
> Duck, Wind and Fire is based on Earth, Wind, and Fire and their song "Boogie Wonderland". 
> 
> They're horrible, I know.

 

"You may be sweet or hot, it makes no diff,

Give into your rhythm and don't be stiff,

OH! Boy if you can't swing, then you just don't mean a thing!"

Bugle Beagle was snapping his fingers to the beat of his favorite song: "If You Can't Swing, You Don't Mean Anything", by Duke Cabbie Callington. It was an oldie but definitely a goodie, and one that had always struck a chord with him; 'cause c'mon, what was a Beagle really worth if he couldn't groove?

The song burst into its rhythmic scatting section, and he began to hop around the room, shaking his body, singing along. "Doowahdoowah! Doodoodah!"

"Turn that garbage off!" a whining voice screamed from another room. Bugle just ignored it and shook his body for all he was worth.

"BUGLE!"

_RRRTZZZZ…_

"Dahdah...duh?" Bugle stopped and looked down as the cassette player, his face twisting into a look of dismay. The magnetic tape of the cassette had mangled, wound and splayed all around the insides of the player…basically, totally busted.

"Ugh, finally! Some peace and quiet!"BigTime's snarky voice called out.

Bugle's heart sank. He'd been expecting this... the tape had long been on its last legs. Looks like this last song had been its swan song.

He pulled it out of the player, sighing. "And this record is practically impossible to find these days..." The kind you could only find at specialty stores, and even then, the price blew your mind.

Suddenly his brothers' obnoxious shouting echoed through the halls again.

"Oh, hey, hey, hey, HEY! Look!"

"Ahahaha! Looks like we still got it, guys!"

With nothing left to do, Bugle curiously joined them in the living room.

Gathered around the television, Bouncer, Burger, Baggy, and BigTime were all watching with huge grins plastered across their faces.

"We really did rock the house!" BigTime laughed.

On the screen, a group of singers in hideous outfits and crazy wigs were yowling incoherently onstage in some kind of…"music" video. Although to Bugle, it looked more like a bunch of badly groomed teenagers had fallen into the set of a cheesy 80s movie.

"-AND SING THE BOOGIE BEAGLE BLUES!" they screeched.

With a horrified shock, Bugle realized that the group was none other than his brothers.

The video (finally) ended, and then a short man with a long multicolored wig and shades pranced to the center of a stage.

"Hey, hey, hey! Get rude, dudes! Sky McFly here! That was our previous winner in the million dollar giveaway for the newest musical group!"

"You call that music?!" Bugle shouted, feeling personally offended.

His brothers all turned around and glared at him.

"Oh, that's rich, comin' from you!" BigTime said. "Blastin' that junk all day long!"

"Hehe, yeah, who writes a song  _about_ singin'?Talk about dumb!" Burger joined in.

"'Least our stuffs is oregano!" Baggy added.

"Original!" BigTime corrected him sharply.

Bugle tried to ignore these blatant bashes toward his musical taste, but behind his dark glasses he was starting to steam.

"And I don't see  _you_  with a band," Bouncer said with a smirk, crossing his arms.

Bugle put his hands on his hips. "I've got somethin' better. I've got  _soul_." He started to snap in a fast tempo, swaying and scatting along. "Well HEY! Boobalageedawa beeba dada-!"

"Those aren't real words!" Baggy complained. "...Uh, I think."

"And ain't disco an' jazz both technically  _dead?"_  Bouncer chuckled.

"Technically,  _no_ , they've got huge underground fanbases and both are prophesied to make a comeback in-"

"Technically,  _you're stupid_!" mocked BigTime. "Why don'tcha come back when you have a platinum sellin' album?"

Bugle grit his teeth.

Meanwhile, the ad was continuing.

"So hey! Fly by if you're hip and hop 'til you drop! If you think what it takes to be our next musical group, come on down! The prize is  _one million dollars!_ "

Bugle put a hand to his chin, thinking. Now...if his idiot brothers, with absolutely NO musical sense whatsoever could have made it so far...why, it ought to be a cakewalk for him. Even as a pup, music had always been his passion.

"How would any of you like a second chance at the spotlight by workin' with me?" Bugle offered. Quite honestly, the idea repulsed him- but he didn't have much choice. Besides, he was a chill guy. He was willing to let bygones be bygones if they shut their mouths and helped out.

But the boys all burst into laughter.

"You? Puh-lease! We're A-LISTERS! Why would we work with a nobody like you?" BigTime snickered.

"I'm your brother!" Bugle said indignantly.

"All the more reason."

_Ugh. Fine_! Whatever, he knew he could do better than these dimwits, anyway. With a scowl, Bugle turned on his heel and stalked out of the room.

"D'eh, are we really not gonna help him sing?" Baggy asked, feeling a little bad.

"You know as well as I do if we ever show our faces back there again, the only tunes we'd be beltin' out would be for a twenty year gig at  _Sing Sing_!"BigTime snapped, and his cheeks went red in shame.

In the next room Bankjob was doing sets of one-armed push-ups while Babyface sat on a recliner nearby playing his GameDuck. Bugle walked in, unable to stop the smile from spreading across his face. Bankjob and Babyface were the two brothers he'd always been the closest with, no way they'd let him down.

And not to mention! They had experience together, if you counted the time they'd all been abducted and forced to sing barbershop tunes for bloodthirsty pirates!

"Hey, Buge," Bankjob said idly.

Bugle beamed as if he had a great secret he couldn't keep to himself.

"Hey, how would you guys...like to be Duckburg's hot new band?"

The two Beagles both stopped and stared.

"Huh?" They said in unison.

Bugle always spoke gobbledygook but this was really out of left field.

"Y'know, the new music group contest," Bugle filled them in. "Think about it, man: we'll be swimming in cash! Our names'll be in lights! There won't be a soul out there who won't know our names!"

Babyface didn't really know (or care) what he was rambling about, but it sounded good. "We're gonna be  _rich?"_

Bankjob got to his feet, clapped his hands, and chuckled. "We're gonna be  _famous_!"

Bugle grinned. He knew they'd be on board!

"And I've already got the perfect band name for us. The Bea Gees! And my song goes a little bit something like this... "

His brothers smiled expectantly and Bugle began to rock back and forth.

"Well you know for sure by the way I dance

I'm a ladykiller, I'm a fancypants

Women hot and music groovin', they try to keep me down

So I just keep movin'..."

He started snapping and shaking his body wildly to the beat.

"Be ya brother, mother, lover, or somethin' other,

You'll be feelin' alive, feelin' alive!

Ah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Feelin' aliiiiiiiive...yeah, yeah, bebadawawop! Shiggydiggydoowop beedoopbeedoop!"

He finished on a high note with his finger doing a disco point high at the ceiling and looked at his brothers in anticipation.

The smiles on their faces had fazed into looks of disgust.

There was an awkward silence.

"Wh-what?" Bugle asked.

"NOPE," Babyface said loudly. "I'm out." Without another word he waddled out of the room, hurried up the stairs, and slammed the bedroom door. Seconds later loud screamo metal music started blaring from above.

"Eugh, listen, Bugle..." Bankjob said gently. "It's not a  _bad_  idea. It's just, uh..." Oh, forget it. You couldn't be delicate with this. "This is gonna blow up in yer face. People will be makin' fun of you for years if you go on TV with that."

Bugle's mouth hung open a little in surprise. "Dude."

"I'm just bein' honest, okay?!" Bankjob shook his head. "I mean, isn't it s'pose to be rock music? Look, I know this is your…thing, but this style 'o yers... people won't get it. I mean, that's the kinda stuff  _Ma_  listened to as a kid." He put his hand on Bugle's shoulder.

Bugle pushed it off indignantly. "It's old school!"

"No, it's just old."

Bugle glared at him. He couldn't understand why his brothers didn't appreciate the classic music the way he did.

Dejected, the beatnik Beagle Boy headed out onto the porch and walked out into the dark backyard. "Chirp, chirp..."

Now that was sad...these little crickets had more heart in them than most modern artists. What was the world coming to?

Bugle sighed. Yeah, maybe he didn't have what it took to make it big. Maybe everyone  _would_  laugh at him.

_And ain't disco an' jazz both technically dead?_

_That's the kinda stuff_ _Ma_ _listened to as a kid!_

His brother's scornful words echoed in his head.

"Chirp, chirp..."

He'd never noticed before, but these little crickets had a nice beat. Simple, sure, but catchy.

And as he listened to the sounds of nature he began bobbing his head, a melody creeping in from the back of his mind.

Heck! Who were they to bring him down?! BigTime never gave up on the money bin, no matter how hard it got! And Burger hadn't let a little heart attack stop him from finishing that 200 pound meatball sub back at the Duckburg Diner!

He had this!

Bugle smiled and started to sing along.

* * *

The next morning the brothers were just lazing around in the living room when Screamin' Sky McFly popped back onscreen.

"Hey hey hey wake up rock 'n rollers! Are you ready to go rad with the latest sound? Then lets get rockin'! It's time for the million dollar giveaway!"

"Hey, guys, getta load of this," Bouncer chuckled.

"For our first audition, let's give a big welcome to Pink Fowl!"

The Beagle Brothers gathered around the television to watch.

"Ah, what a buncha losers!" Baggy laughed. "Eh, I bet their mamas wrote that song for them."

BigTime coughed.

"Here's our next hotshot, Moose Springsteen!"

The boys were glued to the screen watching the auditions for almost an hour, when…

"And out comes our next contestant!"

And onto the stage walked Bugle, with a small acoustic guitar tucked under his arm.

Bugle?!

The brothers all let out a gasp.

"Oh, no."

"He's gonna look like such an  _idiot_!" Bankjob groaned.

"Forget that, he's gonna make  _us_  look like idiots." BigTime facepalmed.

Bugle walked to the center with a nervous smile on his face.

"So it looks like you're another solo performer," exclaimed Sky. "And waddaya call yourself?!"

"Uh..." Bugle hesitated. "Call me, er… Bebop." Ugh, smooth. But his childhood nickname was the first thing he could think of.

"You look kinda familiar," mused Sky, looking at him up and down. "Hey, have you auditioned here before?"

"Uh…well, lots of wannabes try to emulate and imitate tha 'Bop," Bugle said, giving the camera a wink, "But they're just kiddin' themselves, man."

"Alright, and what're you gonna sing for us?"

"I'm gonna cover an old favorite from Duck, Wind, and Fire...I call it...'Beagle Wonderland.'"

"Oh geez," Bankjob groaned.

Bugle took a deep breath and walked into the spotlight, looking out at the immense crowd. And then, the music hit him and his stage fright was gone.

"Dance! Beagle Wonderland!

Ah, ha! Dance!

Beagle Wonderlaaaannnnd...!"

He swayed and snapped in time, strumming the guitar and singing at the top of his lungs.

"...And all the records that be and my heart says to me,

_Beagle Wonderland_!

Dance!

Badawadaabop debop bop bop shakka lakka doodeedoo!"

Bugle broke off from the original song and started scatting and swaggering across the stage. "Shappidoppida wooo SHAAA!"

As he finished the song he slid onto his knees and looked out at the crowd, breathing hard and heart hammering. The entire auditorium was silent.

Bugle's grin wavered as the crowd looked on at him with bewilderment. Oh no, they really  _were_  going to laugh, they'd chase him offstage and he'd be a joke for life…

And then the audience burst into applause. They stood up, whooped, and whistled, clapped and stamped their feet! They loved him!

"That was totally out of this world!" Sky yelled. "And from the audience response, I think we've found our winner!"

Bugle's eyes widened.

Back at home, the Beagle Boys were speechless for a few moments. No. Way.

"Unbelievable!" BigTime sulked. "They wouldn't know real music if it bit them in the-!"

" _Ahhhhh_! We should've joined his group when we had the chance!" Babyface wept.

"Y-yeah, well he's gonna share the prize money, o' course, right?" Bankjob looked at the others with a little glimmer of hope.

"And so what're you gonna do with one million smackeroos?!" Sky McFly asked as he patted Bugle on the back in congratulations. Bugle turned around from taking his bows and grinned.

"I'm gonna buy every vinyl record of Duke Cabbie Callington out there my money can buy! 'Cause if I ain't got that swing, it  _don't mean a thing!"_

Miles away, his brothers' jaws dropped in horror.

"No!" screamed BigTime. "NOOOOOO!"


	8. Shooting the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bankjob and his brothers try to make a movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I totally forgot to update this on this site. 
> 
> New chapter, ever? Probably not.

 

"Man, what a lousy movie," groaned Bankjob, stuffing his hands angrily in his pockets as he and his two brothers exited the Duckburg theatre.

"Yeah. What a total ripoff!" Bouncer assented.

"But we didn't pay, we snuck in, man," Bugle reminded him.

Bouncer just grunted. "Still!"

Bankjob felt the same.  _The Mad and the Furious_  had been a huge disappointment. Oh, at the start it'd been alright- tons of action, high speed chases, and violent fighting scenes. But then it'd gone and pulled that dumb old cliché: the annoying good guys somehow pulled off some ridiculous win, and all the criminals landed back in the joint.

"Y'know, I bet even we could make a better movie!" Bouncer said.

Bankjob stopped in his tracks, putting his hand to his chin thoughtfully. "Say…maybe we could."

His brothers looked back at him.

"We kinda got the experience, you and me, Bugle," Bankjob said. "Backs when we was pullin' that stunt on our buddy, McQuack."

Bugle frowned. "Bankjob, that wasn't a  _real_ movie. There wasn't even any film in the cameras."

"I know it wasn't!" Bankjob said in irritation, "But it coulda prepped us for the real deal! Why, I bet I could be a bonafide director." He paused and thought. "Yeah...Mr. Spielbeag. I wouldn't mind goin' back to that. And… I think I already got an idea for a story!" Yes… it was all coming to him. He'd been born for this!

"Uh, can I be in it?" Bouncer asked, excitement spreading over his face. "I always wanted to be the star in a movie!"

"Sure you can, pal," Bankjob said, slapping his brother on the back. "'Cept, forget about bein' the star. I got somebody else in mind for that…"

* * *

"Me?" BigTime asked.

"Yeah, you!"

BigTime looked suspicious. "What's the catch? There's gotta be a catch. You're  _never_  nice to me, Bank."

"I just think you're the perfect look for my hero!" Bankjob grinned, looking at BigTime through spread fingers.

BigTime's scowl disappeared. "W-well...thanks, Bankjob. I dunno what to say."

Bankjob chuckled. "No problem. I want my hero to be sympathetic and lovable, like a  _real_ con, so a small and twerpy guy like you is perfect for it!" BigTime's scowl came back.

"An' why do I have to be a cameraman?" Bouncer complained.

"Don't whine, Bouncer," Bankjob snorted. "Handlin' the camera is a  _very important job!"_

"Well...if you say so," Bouncer said bitterly, glaring at BigTime.

"So, Mr. Big Director, what're the deets?" Bugle asked, hauling some of the old video equipment down the stairs. He was followed by Babyface, Baggy, and Burger, who also had their hands full of boxes.

"Trying to make a full-length feature film without any real, prior experience seems… presumptuous, at least," Megabyte said, sitting on the couch and typing away at his computer, giving his brother a haughty look.

"Here, everyone, just take one!" Bankjob called, handing out pamphlets to all his brothers.

"Man…did you really handwrite this out eight times?" Bugle asked, looking over the sloppy packet.

"Yeah...why?" asked Bankjob.

" _Reservoir Beagles_ ," read Bouncer out loud. "Uh…"

"Shut up, that's just the workin' title," Bankjob grunted.

"So, what's it about?" asked Babyface.

BigTime flipped through the first few pages. "'The story of BigShot Beagle and his descent into madness..." He paused and glared at Bankjob, "…'after a botched diamond heist, he's hunted by the monstrous tyrant and billionaire, Scroob."

"Scroob?" asked Bouncer.

"Huh. 'Dat somebody we know?" Baggy mumbled.

Megabyte scanned through the lines rapidly. "This story is highly illogical."

"So's yer face," Bankjob shot back.

"Oh, oh, Bankjob! I want to help!" Babyface hopped up and down. "What can I do?"

"A'rite, a'rite, relax, I've got a job for each one of ya," Bankjob chuckled, patting his little brother on the head. He looked through his list.  **"** Ahem...Bugle. I'm puttin' you in charge of sound and music."

Bugle smiled. "Sure thing! I'm the master of melodies! Bebopdoowop!"

"Babyface...I'm trustin' you with the special effects!" Bankjob continued.

"Special effects?" Babyface asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, y'know...explosions and stuff," Bankjob said. ''But, y'know, not all of 'em are real."

Babyface seemed bewildered.

"A'rite, Burger. You're takin' care of props," Bankjob instructed. "Can you make a fake diamond and a buncha bags of money?"

"Oooh-hoo! That'll be easy," Burger said. "I always save up the bags from McDuckald's in case of emergencies!"

"Baggy, you cover makeup and costumes."

"Uh…but I dunno nothin' about those," Baggy mumbled.

"But didn't you always say it was your dream?" Bankjob nudged.

"Uh, no..."

"Whatever, now's your chance to learn!" He looked over to the couch.

"And last, you, Megabyte," Bankjob said. "You can manage all the nerdy stuff. Like computers. That work?"

Megabyte crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes. " _Implicitly_."

* * *

"And...action!"

In the back alley, all the Beagle Brothers had assembled to film the opening scene.

BigTime started running, clutching two hefty fastfood bags colored over and labeled "munny". He screamed and dove behind a trashcan.

Bankjob snapped his fingers. "Cue the car explosion!"

There was a silence.

"Noooooo!" BigTime shouted, hurrying back to where Baggy was laying, smeared in ketchup, with one eye open.

"Talk to me, Bugsy! Oh, cruel fate!"

"Psst...BigTime, it's me," Baggy whispered, giggling.

"CUT!" screamed Bankjob. "Baggy! You're actin'! Remember?!"

"Oh, uh, sorry," Baggy mumbled apologetically.

"From the top!"

"Oh, cruel fate," BigTime said again, with considerably less emotion.

"BigShot...you can't let 'dem schools and orphanages get their hands on the diamond and the money! You gotta hide...hide..." He paused and looked at the script. "Gags. Rolls over dead."

"Oh, what's a poor thug like me to do," BigTime moaned. "What with the cops all over the city, under the command of that sick humanitarian billionaire, Scroob!"

"I swear, Bugsy, you will be avenged!" BigTime growled, smashing his fist into the pavement. He recoiled and let out a soft, "ow!", and Dead Baggy held back a snicker.

Bankjob nudged Bouncer. "Now do the dramatic zoom."

"Oh, uh, right," Bouncer said under his breath. He let out a nervous chuckle and started tweaking the camera.

"And...that's a wrap!" Bankjob shouted.

"A'rite, let's take a look!"

The Beagles turned to Megabyte and the brainy Beagle hooked up his laptop. "Ok. Well, I've got all the data here. Let me put it into a video editor...here we go!"

The screen went black.

"Nooooo!" BigTime's voice called out through the darkness.

"Bouncer, you forgot to take the lens cap off!" Bankjob roared. Bouncer smiled nervously.

"I...I didn't  _totally_ forget."

"Ow!" hissed BigTime in the video. Suddenly the dark cap came off and Bouncer's hand appeared, waving stupidly in front of the lens.

"And...that's a wrap!" The video cut out.

"Well, that was a complete waste of time!'' Bankjob grunted, glaring at Bouncer. "Looks like we gotta start again."

* * *

About an hour later, the group was reassembled around Megabyte's computer to see the new, improved movie shoot.

At least this time, there was image to the video **.** Butthe camera swayed and shook nauseatingly.

"Oh, what is a poor thug like me to do," deadpanned BigTime. "I swear, Bugsy..."

The camera zoomed in close on BigTime's butt.

"Heheh," Bouncer's voice giggled.

BigTime glared directly at the camera. "...you will be avenged," he growled through gritted teeth.

Megabyte stopped the playback.

"Wow, that was great!" said Baggy, beaming.

"That was  _horrible!"_  Bankjob snapped, giving him a scolding look. "The camera was all over the place! Where'd you go to school?" he demanded of Bouncer.

"Uh...I didn't go to school," Bouncer answered, insulted.

"And Baggy! How many times do I have ta tell ya that you're  _dead!_  So don't be waving 'howdy doody' like a lunatic!"

"D'eh...sorry..." Baggy said, looking down at his feet.

BigTime balled his fists and pushed past some of his brothers. "Oh yeah? Well I didn't see you doin' anythin' special, other than barkin' orders from your throne!"

Bankjob's eyes narrowed. "I'm the director. That's what I'm s'posed ta do!"

"More like you just sit back and let everybody else do all the work!"

A vein in Bankjob's temple throbbed. "That so? Well don't get me started on  _your_ abysmal performance!"

"Oh YEAH?"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Bugle and Burger pushed the two feuding Beagles apart. "Come on, now, chillax a bit," said Bugle. "We still haveta check out everyone else's contributions."

"Oh...yeah, that's right," Bankjob grumbled.

"Well you guys saw my makeup!" Baggy said cheerfully, swaying his arms back and forth. "Uh, y'know, at first I didn't think I could do it 'cuz it looked too much like real blood, but..."

Bankjob rolled his eyes. "Ketchup...isn't...makeup."

Bankjob then glanced at Babyface. "Alright, kid, so you said you were gonna handle the effects."

Babyface grinned and bounced on his feet. "Yeah! I already finished one." He held up a white piece of construction paper with a sloppily scrawled explosion in the middle.

Bankjob stared. "What the  _heck_ is that?"

Babyface's face fell. "It's a...it's a kaboom."

"Did you do that with crayons?!"

Babyface shook his head. "No. Colored pencils."

"And  _how_  are we s'posed to use that?"

"Well...um…"

"Bugle, I'm hopin' you can tell me somethin' good," Bankjob turned with annoyance towards his most trusted brother.

Bugle smiled and held up a tape recorder. "Yep. I've gone ahead and written a whole soundtrack for  _Reservoir Beagles_."

"Let's hear some!" Bankjob said, clapping his hands. Finally things were shaping up.

"Ok, Scene 1," Bugle announced, pressing play.  _Shakkashakkashakka, doodoodoo!_ An upbeat track started to play.

"Um, Buge," Bankjob said after a moment, "this is the crucial scene where our hero's partner kicks the bucket...and you're playin'  _showtunes_?!"

"Wait, wait, the lyrics are really good," Bugle insisted. "They're really, like, the inner monologues of BigShot's life, man." He snapped his fingers.

"Ahhh! I'm a tough little scrapper and my life sucks

Fuzz try to hold me back but I give no-"

"Enough!" yelled Bankjob.

"There's one like that for every major scene," Bugle grinned.

"This isn't s'posed to be a musical!" Bankjob whined, his hands shaking with frustration. "It's an action thriller! Action! Thrills!"

"Don't ya wanna see da rest of my props?" Burger asked, snacking on a sandwich.

"NO!" he shouted. His brothers jumped in surprise.

Bankjob sighed heavily. "A'rite, look. I'm a nice guy. I'm willin' to make sacrifices. Let's just move onta the next scene, ok?"

"Oh, that's the part with the carchase!" Bouncer said, flipping through the script again. "I can't wait!"

* * *

"Baggy,  _what are you doin'_?" BigTime sniped as the taller Beagle Boy applied a heaping of rouge onto each of his cheeks.

"Well, duh, I'm the makeup artist," Baggy reminded him, popping out a goopy mascara wand and leaning in close to BigTime. "I already did  _him_."

Baggy pointed over to Burger, who was strapped into the car behind his. His face was powdered ghostly white. He waved.

"Get away from me with that!" BigTime snapped, pushing him aside. He walked out onto the curb and looked uncomfortably at the battered lemon before him.

"So, BigTime. Burger is gonna be right behind ya," Bankjob told him. "He'll chase you around the neighborhood a few times, but don't worry, the background is gonna be fixed in editin' to something cooler, like out'a space. Then he's gonna ram ya!"

"Yeah, well that might be a problem since I can't quite reach the pedals," BigTime snarked.

Megabyte came forward, looking quite proud of himself. "Oh, don't worry. I installed remote control wiring in the car that can override all it's basic functions." He took a tiny little remote out of his pocket.

"Hey, finally you were good for somethin'!" Bankjob approved, smacking his brother on the back.

"Don't touch me, you troglodyte."

BigTime wasn't sure how safe he felt in Megabyte's sweaty little hands, but with all eyes on him, he took a deep breath and climbed into the junker.

"I'm read-aaaAAHHH!"

The car jerked forward and started racing down the road wildly.

"Oh no you don't!" shouted Burger, slamming on the gas. "I'm gonna get ya, BigShot Beagle! I'm takin' all your hard-earned money for  _tha children!"_

"W-wait! Ya guys!" Bouncer sprinted after them with the camera jiggling in his arms. He doubled over, gasping for breath. "I don't think…we thought that part…through."

"Here they come back again!" shouted Babyface.

Coming back around, the two cars were now neck and neck, and with a flick of the wheel Burger pretended to tap his car into BigTime's.

"Woooo-ahh!" BigTime yelled. His car suddenly spun out of control and careened off-road and towards a chain-link fence. Screaming, BigTime leapt out of the car right before it crashed.

"Kablooie!" shouted Babyface. He hurled a stick of dynamite into the wreckage and with a huge explosion, the wreckage went up in smoke.

_Dun, dun, dun!_ Bugle played on his electronic keyboard.

BigTime then wobbled over, his expression furious. "What the heck was that? You guys tryin' to  _kill me?_ "

Megabyte looked baffled as he smacked the remote. "Sorry, I guess I haven't worked out all the kinks just yet."

"And you agreed to let me ride in this deathtrap?!" BigTime snarled, turning on Bankjob.

"Take it easy, no one got hurt," Bankjob said, crossing his arms. "Makin' movies is a risky business."

BigTime scoffed. "Why would my character turn tail and run anyways? Y'know  _I'd_  stay back and fight!"

"Yeah, well, he's not you!"

"He's basically me! BigShot! BigTime!"

"You're crazy!"

"You said I was perfect for the role! I should have some input!"

"Yeah, but it's  _my_  movie!" Bankjob exploded.

The brothers, who'd been following the debate like a ping pong match, all stepped back nervously.

"Fine," growled BigTime, glaring directly into Bankjob's eyes. "Then I quit."

"Wait, what?" Bankjob said, blinking in surprise.

"I'm  _through!"_ BigTime repeated, throwing down his microphone. "Get yourself some other schmuck! It ain't worth the pain of workin' with you." And with that, he stalked off.

"D'uh, what're we gonna do now?" Baggy asked sorrowfully.

"Yeah, we can't make a movie without a hero!" Bouncer agreed. He looked at Bankjob hopefully. "Uh, but now that the spot's open-"

Bankjob turned around with narrowed eyes, shutting him back up.

"Burger, you're the new BigShot," he barked into his megaphone. "Now come on! Let's get onto the next big scene!"

* * *

As soon as the group was done recording, they all gathered around in anticipation and played back their work on Megabyte's laptop.

The camera shook and blurred in and out, finally focusing on a way-too-close-up on Burger.

"You'll never win, Scroob!" shouted Burger, as the camera panned out to show he was yelling at the McDuck moneybin in the distance. "Even if I have ta bring it ta my gravy…grave…mmm, gravy!" He licked his lips.

A sharp trumpet musical sting played.

Burger hopped onto a little bridge over a shallow pond, his hands filled with the mustard-stained "munny" bags and a big stale chicken nugget spray-painted white. "Goodbyes, cruel world!"

"Noooo!" screamed Baggy.

Burger hopped into the pond with a splash, and Babyface flung another stick of dynamite. BOOM!

When the smoke cleared, Burger was lying facedown in the water.

A loud, fast disco beat started playing out of nowhere as the camera panned out. " _Oooh, baby, and I ask myself, why don't we just daaaaaance?"_

Then the screen went black.

Bankjob's vein twitched and he turned to Megabyte. "Can you fix it?!"

"Watch it! I'm a genius, but I'm not a miracle worker!" Megabyte protested, pushing his brother's big meaty fingers away.

"Eh, I thought it was good!" Baggy said, pressing the "play" button again.

"If good's what you call terrible!" Bankjob growled down at him. "What'd you have to go and scream for?! Almost ruined the whole take."

"I-I was scared!" Baggy defended himself. "Burger was gonna jump!"

"It's  _acting!_ " Bankjob groaned, having told him this for perhaps the fifth time.

"And Bouncer!" Bankjob turned to his other brother. "What's it gonna take for you to hold the camera  _still_? If I wanted to puke my guts out, I woulda just taken a ride on Space Mountain!"

Bouncer glared. "Uh, well, the camera's heavy. How 'bout you try runnin' around with it?"

"Oh, don't pull that. I'm the director, my job's more important! Looks to me like you've just been slacking off on your reps!"

Bouncer gnashed his teeth angrily.

"Burger, I know it ain't your fault that the character inexplicably gains 300 pounds from one scene to the next, but could you at least try to keep lunchtime out of the scenes?!"

"I was just havin' a snack," Burger said. "Da spotlight makes me hungry."

"Everything makes you hungry!"

Burger grinned. " _Especially_ everythin'!"

"And, FYI, Babyface. People don't normally  _explode_  when they jump offa bridge!" Bankjob said curtly. "That wasn't in the script, y'know!"

Babyface looked sullenly at his feet. "I was just tryin' to make it more actiony."

"Stick to the script! How many times do I haveta say it?!"

"Aw, come on, BJ, lay off," Bugle said.

"You, most of all!" Bankjob pointed his finger. "What kind of a stupid music choice was that?"

Bugle looked offended. "It's "Me in The Shower": The Remix."

"But it's not about dancin'! It's about livin' and dyin' on the streets! No! Dancing!"

"Man, would you calm down? We're supposed to be having fun here."

"Fun?" Bankjob demanded. "Is that what you all think? This is serious business! It's art! It's...it's... _mine!_ "

Bugle pulled down his shades and gave him a hard look. "Well, if that's the way you're gonna be, then I don't wanna be part of it."

"Me, neither!" Babyface piped up.

"Yeah, I thought makin' a movie would be cool," Bouncer said. "This whole thing has blown chunks. I'm out."

Burger and Baggy quickly assented. "Us too!"

Bankjob turned to Megabyte, who gave him a condescending smirk and snapped his computer shut. "I don't work with pretentious blowhards."

Bankjob's jaw dropped in disbelief. "What?"

Had he just lost his entire crew at once?

His eyes narrowed. "Well, fine! I don't need ya! I can finish the movie by myself."

"Yeah, well you have fun with that," Bugle said, shaking his head as the brothers stomped out of the room. "See ya later…Mr. Director." And he shut the door.

* * *

"Let's see here..." Bankjob mumbled, fiddling with the camera and pressing buttons at random. How did you work this thing? SNAP!

"Ooops," Bankjob said, tossing off the viewfinder. Ah well, that doohickey probably wasn't important. "Action!"

He rushed in front of the camera, waving a gun. "So I've decided, me, BigShot, am gonna rob the bank!" He quickly slipped out of sight and tossed on a long blonde wig, then popped back in.

"No darlin'! What about our love? How can I go on without me?!" he squealed in his best falsetto voice.

"Wait a sec..." Bankjob paused and picked up the script. "Argh! No! That's wrong! It's 'without  _you_ '…!" He tossed the script down in frustration. This was a lot harder than he thought it'd be.

He hadn't even considered how he would start with the music, the editing, and everything else.

Bankjob sighed heavily. He hated to admit it, but this was too much work for one beagle. He had to get them back.

His brothers were all laying about the living room, watching the tube lifelessly.

"A...hem..." Bankjob cleared his throat as he walked in. Ooh boy, this was awkward. All eyes in the room turned on him.

"Well, well, lookee who's back," BigTime said bitterly.

"Look," Bankjob started, rubbing the back of his neck, "I'm sorry, you guys. 'Specially you, BigTime. I was bein'...hardheaded."

"You were bein' a real jerk!" BigTime agreed.

"I know."

"Actin' all high and mighty like some kinda king!"

"Ok..."

"And all for yer petty, miserable, pathetic pride!"

"A'rite, a'rite!" Bankjob said roughly. "I'm trying to apologize here!" He took a deep breath.

"I can't- and I don't wanna- do this thing without you guys. I want you all by my side on this project...even if that means it's crap."

"Aw, 'dat's beautiful," Baggy sniffed, tearing up.

"Will ya all come back? We can make the movie however you guys want!" Bankjob exclaimed. "The sky's da limit!"

His brothers looked at one another, and slowly they all smiled.

"Let's do it!"

The brothers watched the horrific new recording play on Megabyte's laptop, and looked amongst each other uncomfortably.

"Yeah, it's crap," said Bankjob.

And he flung it into the trash.


End file.
